


She's going to break my heart, and I'm going to let her

by thegirlwhofangirled



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesiac Clark, Angst, F/M, Friendship, Promise, Romance, There will be a happy ending, and then i will nourish it back to health, background Minty, finn is dead in this verse, raven/bellamy/miller friendship gives me life, this story will shrivel your heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 21:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3264950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwhofangirled/pseuds/thegirlwhofangirled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when you lose the thing you love most? The love of his life has no idea of who Bellamy is.</p><p>He’d always joked it would be nice to get a clean slate and start over after many of their silly arguments. </p><p><em>Be careful what you wish for</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance for the feels y'all are about to take. If there are any things you'd like me to tag as a warning please let me know. This is unbetaed. Most of the medical information I'm drawing from come from past college courses and the internet, given that I am no doctor, so please bear with me and feel free to point out mistakes and correct me.
> 
> EDIT: I made a companion fanmix for the first two chapters of the fic you can listen to it [here](http://8tracks.com/majo05/pieces-of-a-forgotten-past-vol-1)

  
_Memory is all we are. Moments and feelings, captured in amber, strung on filaments of reason. Take a man’s memories and you take all of him. Chip away a memory at a time and you destroy him as surely as if you hammered nail after nail through his skull.”_ ― Mark Lawrence

The doctor had just finished checking Octavia’s vitals when it happened. Raven burst into the hospital room out of breath and shaking; startling Octavia and causing her heart monitor, as well as the one wrapped around her large middle, to spike. 

“Seriously, Raven?” Lincoln admonished her.

Octavia took a few seconds to collect herself and patted her husband’s arm, telling him it was okay. The glare Lincoln shot Raven’s way was enough to let them know he was definitely not okay with Raven’s outburst. Octavia was still under observation, and the doctor said she needed peace and tranquility until she was ready to deliver the baby. 

Raven apologized between breaths as she stepped further into the room, and gave Octavia a hug. Bellamy probably would have chastised her too, except he was too eager to hear what she had to say.

“What happened, Raven?” Octavia asked.

It took one look at Raven’s face, eyes shining and shaking lips barely able to hold back a smile, to guess the piece of news she came to deliver. Bellamy got up from his chair very slowly, and took a step towards her; all the while willing his heart to slow down. After so many days of waiting he didn’t dare to hope his prayers had finally been answered.

“I- is she?” He started to whisper.

Raven bit her lower lip and nodded rapidly, tears falling from her eyes. He didn’t bother to wait another second before he was racing out of the room; leaving his pregnant sister crying with happiness, and Raven shouting for him to wait.

As he ran through the hospital corridors making his way to the upper floor, Bellamy focused on his breathing, and the sound of his blood rushing through his ears. He kept count of his heartbeats, thinking of how hers might be mirroring his own. To any bystander he might have seem as any other worried family member, running aimlessly in search of his loved one. But Bellamy knew where he was going. He had already spent many nights on this hospital, alternating between his sister’s room and _hers_. 

It had already been four days since the car accident. Four days since Bellamy arrived at Ark Memorial Hospital only to find his car gone. To learn she had decided to drive home on her own. Thirty minutes later Bellamy had received a phone call letting him know there had been a car accident. The doctors said it was a miracle she was alive, the other driver had slammed onto the driver’s side of the vehicle at an intersection. The impact so strong it had sent the car spinning before slamming into a tree. She had been put on a medically induced coma to reduce the swelling of her brain. For a while they had all been expecting the worst, but somehow she managed to pull through.

When Bellamy finally arrived to her hospital room he found Abby and Kane standing next to the bed, the three of them having a hushed conversation. He took a moment and just watched her. The cuts and bruises she sustained on the accident were still there, some of them starting to heal, and yet to him she was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. And she was there, still alive and well, awake. Bellamy was taken with so much emotion he couldn’t hold back the gasp that escaped from his lips, clueing the trio in the room of his presence. Abby took a step back, and Clarke was able to see him.

“Bellamy?” She asked, a small frown adorning her face.

His name on her lips propelled him across the room and he was by her side in three strides. He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. Relishing on the feeling of having her in his arms again.

“Hey, princess.” he whispered, lifting her hand to his lips and kneeling next to the bed.

Clarke freezed up before pulling her hand from his grasp and leaning closer to her other side, where her mother now stood. Abby gave Bellamy a sad look before shaking her head.

“Princess?” Bellamy asked, hurt and confusion dripping from every syllable.

Clarke leaned even further into her mother’s touch and regarded him in confusion.

“Clarke, you remember Bellamy, don’t you?” Abby asked softly, rubbing her daughter’s back comfortingly. 

Clarke shifted her gaze from Bellamy to her mother before answering.

“Yes, he’s Octavia’s brother?” She said, her statement sounding like a question

Abby gave her daughter a small nod before turning to face Bellamy. 

“Mom, where’s Finn, why isn’t he here?”

It took her mentioning Finn’s name for him to realize something was very wrong. The guy had died a few years ago in a motorcycle accident. She’d been devastated with his passing. Their relationship had not ended in the best of terms after their breakup, but they had all remained friends. For Clarke not to remember Finn was gone that could only mean one thing.

“Oh, honey,” Abby started, “he’s gone.”

“W-what?” Clarke asked, voice shaking.

“He passed away two years ago, Clarke, you know that.” Bellamy replied. 

Clarke’s gaze snapped to his face, her confusion morphing into horror.

“No, no, that’s impossible.” Clarke said, voice rising in panic.

“Clarke, baby, calm down.” Bellamy said soothingly, reaching out to her.

“Don’t touch me!” Clarke screamed.

Bellamy recoiled as if he had been slapped. Abby gave him a worried look and leaned towards her daughter.

“Clarke, honey, you need to calm down. This is bad for you.”

“No. Mom, he can’t be dead. Finn can’t be dead. I was with him yesterday!”

Yesterday? Bellamy mouthed to his father in law. Kane gave him a painful shrug before standing next to him.

“Mom, he can’t be gone.” Clarke cried, “we were going to talk things out, we were going to get back together!” 

Bellamy stepped away from the bed, giving space to the nurses who were now holding a struggling Clarke, trying to inject her with a sedative. He walked out to the waiting room as if in a trance, his whole world crumbling around him, only to find Raven standing outside holding back sobs. 

“I tried to tell you.” she whispered.

Bellamy ran a hand through his already disheveled curls and whirled around when he heard Nyko’s voice, Clarke’s doctor, behind him.

“What the hell just happened?” he asked.

“The hit to the head she received during the crash seems to be more serious than we thought. I took the liberty of going over her EEG scans once more and found she suffered a slight damage to her hippocampus, which may have caused her amnesia. I talked with Mrs. Kane here, and from what she tells me Clarke seems to believe it is still 2015, and that she is still 18 years old.”

“What?” Raven said, bewildered.

“What does that mean?” Bellamy asked steely. 

“It means,” the doctor sighed, “ that Clarke seems to have no memory of the last five years of her life.”

“ _What_?” Came Jasper’s voice from behind them. 

He had just arrived with Monty and Miller in tow. Probably due to Raven letting them know Clarke was awake. 

“Okay,” Bellamy breathed, “but she will get better, right? her memories _will_ come back?

“In cases like these, where the extensive damage is limited to her hippocampus, there’s a slight chance she might recover her memories. But when someone’s amnesia spans as many years as Clarke’s, the odds aren’t completely in her favor. She might remember some things, but not all of it.”

The seven of them stood in silence, processing the doctor’s words.

“Bellamy.” Raven whispered, reaching out for Bellamy.

Abby and Kane beat her too it, Abby hugging Bellamy from the side and Kane placing a supporting hand on his shoulder. He could neither feel or hear them. In that moment his body had turned to stone. When their pity and whispered condolences proved to be too much he shrugged them off and stepped away from them. Cold dread washed over him upon hearing Clarke’s diagnosis. 

Clarke had forgotten him. Not him, really. She still managed to recognize him as Bellamy, Octavia’s brother. What she couldn’t remember was Bellamy, the man she _loved_. 

His eye clouded with tears until everything around him looked like nothing but blurry shadows. _The last five years, forgotten_. She’d forgotten it all. Through the fog of his thoughts he heard a painful sob, and later realized it was him crying. He kicked a nearby chair, vaguely aware of warm liquid traveling down his shin.  


“Bellamy, calm down, man.” 

That was Jasper, telling him to stop and talking about blood. Bellamy didn’t care. He kept kicking and screaming. Punching the walls until his knuckles were covered in blood. _His_ blood. For him it was better to focus on the pain of these injuries rather than the pain from the gaping wound in his heart. 

Slender arms wrapped around him. Raven, whispering soothing nonsense until he’d calmed down enough for one of the nurses to try to clean his hands. When she approached him he snarled at her. In the end it was Miller the one who ended up bandaging his hands, with the little first aid knowledge Clarke had given him over the years.

The tear tracks on his face had already dried by the time Bellamy had calmed down. He looked up from where he kneeled on the floor, taking in the people around him. Monty leaned into Miller for support,while this one rubbed his arms. Raven was hugging a crying Jasper. And Abby was looking at him, trying to convey a world of words in the hopes of consoling his pain.

 _Clarke_. Five years of their relationship, gone. She had no memory of getting to know him, no memory of them falling in love. He’d always joked it would be nice to get a clean slate and start over after many of their silly arguments. 

_Be careful what you wish for_. 

With one last look at his family and friends, Bellamy grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke wakes up for the second time, and this time around she finally gets some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in the span of 3 day's y'all are lucky (don't get used to it though).

The hours following Clarke’s breakdown proved to be a living hell. After waking up, for the second time in a matter of hours, doctors and nurses barged in and out of her room, doing tests and asking her questions. Her mom stayed by her side through it all, trying to explain what happened. When her mom told her it was 2020 and not 2015, Clarke had laughed for a full five minutes. It had to be a joke, right? There was no way in hell she had slept through the last five years of her life. _Not exactly, honey. You’ve been asleep for only five days_. Her mom had then patiently told her about the accident, and her apparent memory loss. Soon enough Clarke’s nervous laughter had turned into tears. She asked to be left alone after that.

Her mother accompanied her day and night, feeding her little details about her life. Clarke was an intern at that same hospital while finishing her last semesters of medical school. It explained why some nurses and doctors treated her with so much familiarity. Her mother also went into more detail about Finn’s death, how it happened over two years ago; a motorcycle accident. It would take her a while to get used to that piece of news. Although to everyone else they’d been broken up for about five years, for Clarke her feelings for Finn still seemed to simmer under the surface. The more her mom related Clarke’s accomplishments and success, the more pissed Clarke became. She’d experienced so many wonderful things, yet could remember none of it.

Clarke's distress was starting to take its toll on her physical health, and her headaches turned unbearable. The anguish of not remembering any of what happened to her in the last couple of years was too much to handle, which was why whenever any of her friends showed up to see her, she asked the nurses to keep them away. Her own pain was too much; seeing her friends’ sad faces, many of which she didn’t remember very well, only managed to depress her even more. It was only when her mother told her it would be best to interact with them, in the hopes it might juggle memories from her past, that Clarke let them in to see her.

The first person Clarke asked to see was Raven. She remembered seeing her in the room when she first woke up, and she was curious to know why. It was hard for her process the news that Raven was now one her best friends. After their tumultuous past with Finn, she would’ve never imagined that would be the case. But seeing Raven there, excitedly narrating one of their many shenanigans from the past, it wasn’t too hard for Clarke to see why they had become close friends. It was hard not to fall the Reyes charm.

“I am so glad you’re okay.” Raven smiled, holding Clarke’s hand.

She resisted the urge to withdraw her hand from Raven’s grasp, she still wasn’t dealing with physical contact too well, but something told her to leave it there. Maybe some part of her was aware of how much her accident had really affected Raven. Deep down she had a feeling her refusal would hurt her friend, it was the last thing Clarke wanted to do.

Later on that same day Clarke was greeted by a very pregnant Octavia and Lincoln, who was now her husband apparently. She was scheduled for her C-section soon and managed to convince one of the nurses to get her a wheelchair so she could visit Clarke.

“Oh my God you’re so-” Clarke started. 

“Huge?” Octavia laughed. 

“I was going to say radiant, but I guess that’s part of the package too.” Clarke said sheepishly. 

The two of them spent hours talking, with Octavia trying very hard not to give too much of Clarke’s past away. 

“Doctor’s orders.” Lincoln had said, giving his wife a knowing look.

Clarke couldn’t stop looking at the pair they made. Not long ago, at least not long ago for her, she had been witness to Octavia’s “seduction” plans. The girl had sworn up and down she would end up with Lincoln; and had come with the most ridiculous plans to seduce him. At the time, he wasn’t too keen into giving in to her sixteen year old antics. The age difference was always an issue for him. It made Clarke happy to know her friend’s aggressive pursuit of the man she loved had earned her so much happiness, though. She couldn’t help but wonder if she ever got to know such happiness.

Over the following days she was visited by Jasper, who pretty much attacked her and hugged her tight until Raven had to pull him away. _We just got her back and you’re trying to asphyxiate her?_ Monty and Miller also went to see her, the two of them together. Like, _together, together._

“Well that is something I would’ve never thought I’d see.” Clarke had mumbled.

“You and me both, sister.” Raven had laughed. 

Clarke had vague memories of Nathan Miller, but she did remember seeing him at parties at Octavia’s house. 

“He’s Bellamy’s best friend,” Jasper whispered to her while Raven, Monty, and Miller talked about something in a corner of the room. 

“Where is he, by the way?” Clarke asked, unable to hold back her curiosity.

“Where’s who?” Monty asked, having heard her question. 

Jasper turned from her to the group, scratching the back of his neck. Raven looked at him with a raised eyebrow when he answered.

“She wants to know where Bellamy is.” 

At the mention of his friend’s name Miller perked up and moved closer to Clarke. 

“You remember Bellamy?” He asked, the beginnings of a grin forming his lips.  
  


“Of course I do.” Clarke affirmed.

Miller seemed about to say something else when Raven stopped him. The two of them exchanged a couple of looks before Raven turned to Clarke and asked.

“What _do_ you remember exactly?”

Clarke could feel the beginning of one of her headaches starting to form. They came and went every time she tried to recall information, especially about her past. She did remember Bellamy, he was her best friend’s brother after all. The reason why she asked about him, though, was because she remembered seeing him in her room the day she woke up, right before the nurses sedated her; he was there.

“I’m not crazy, right?” Clarke continued. “He was in the room. That’s why I’m asking. I find it strange that he was there that first day but I haven’t seen him here since.”

“Yeah, he was here.” Raven offered, not quite meeting her eyes. 

“I wonder why he hasn’t come back.” Clarke mumbled to herself.

“Do you _want _him to come back?” Jasper asked softly. “I mean, I heard you got pretty upset when he was here. You yelled at him and everything.”__

__Right then Monty cuffed Jasper on the head and told him to shut up._ _

__“No, it’s fine," Clarke assured Monty. “Yes, I yelled at him. But it was only because I was upset about Finn. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see Bellamy. If he was here, it's because he cares, and we became friends over the years?” she finished._ _

__“Yeah,” Raven said distractedly. “Bellamy’s probably busy with work. He’s a professor," she finished proudly._ _

__At that Clarke smiled._ _

__“Let me guess,” she said, “Ancient Greek and Roman mythology?”_ _

__In that moment Monty choked on the coffee he was drinking and looked at Clarke curiously._ _

__“H-how did you know that?” Monty coughed, as his husband patted his back carefully._ _

__Clarke paused. How did she know that?_ _

__“Octavia must have mentioned it when she visited me.”_ _

__Again, the group exchanged a look._ _

__“Stop doing that!” Clarke complained. “Why do I get the feeling there’s something you guys aren’t telling me?”_ _

__The group stood in silence before Raven rolled her eyes and sat next to Clarke on the hospital bed._ _

__“That’s only your paranoid tendencies taking over, Clarke. I thought you outgrew those.” Raven joked._ _

__Clarke scoffed and stuck her tongue out at her friend._ _

__“Look at them,” Jasper sighed happily, “it’s like the accident never happened.”_ _

__His comment earned him a pillow to the face, and instant mockery from Monty. It wasn’t lost on Clarke that her friends had drifted from the Bellamy subject; she would let it slide for now. As they all laughed and joked around, Clarke was overcome with a sense of familiarity and belonging. For the first time in days she was starting to feel hopeful, maybe there was a chance she could move on from this._ _

***

__Exactly two weeks after the fateful day Clarke’s world changed forever, her doctor let her know it was time for her to get back out into the real world. Her friends had spent the days leading up to her release trying to appease her worries. _You’re finally going home, Clarke_. The news sounded nice, except Clarke had no idea of where home was for her now._ _

__Before Leaving the hospital Clarke made sure to drop by Octavia’s room to finally meet the baby and say her goodbyes. Baby Kaia was the most beautiful bundle of joy Clarke had ever seen. With her mother’s blue eyes, her father’s complexion, and an adorable dark mop of curls over her head she had everyone wrapped around her tiny finger. The three of them fawned over the baby girl until the nurses came to take her away for her feeding._ _

__Seeing her friend looking so happy brought tears to Clarke’s eyes. Octavia seemed beside herself with happiness too, but also seemed a bit troubled. Many times she would look at Clarke like she wanted to say something, but instead held herself back. Especially when Clarke mentioned Bellamy._ _

__“Is he okay?” Clarke asked cautiously. “It’s just, the day I woke up? After the nurses gave me the sedative I could’ve sworn I heard him screaming outside my room.”_ _

__Octavia blinked rapidly and wrung her hands._ _

__“I- I don’t know. He seemed fine when he was here yesterday. Besides, I wouldn’t know if that did happen or not. I wasn’t there, remember?” She finished nervously._ _

__Clarke nodded in understanding, it seemed fair. Soon after, Marcus knocked on the door to let Clarke know it was time to go._ _

__After forty five minutes of driving they arrived to a very nice two story house. What caught her attention was not the house’s beauty, but the figure who sat waiting on the front porch. _Bellamy_. When he saw them coming he stumbled his way down the steps until he was standing in front of her._ _

__“Hi.” He exhaled softly in greeting, before giving her hug and lingering a bit too long._ _

__Bellamy seemed glad to see her, if the smile on his face was anything to by; yet there was an underlying sadness in his eyes, and for some reason it pained Clarke seeing him like that._ _

__“How are you feeling?”_ _

__“I’m good.” She smiled._ _

__“Have you remembered anything?” He asked hopefully._ _

__“No,” His face fell at that. “But the doctor said it shouldn’t be long until my memories start to come back. That is, if they come back at all.”_ _

__Bellamy nodded gravely before running a hand down his face._ _

__“Listen, Clarke, “he started shakily, “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to go see you more often, I was busy with work, and then O-”_ _

__“Hey, it’s okay. Raven told me.” Clarke assured him. “Thanks for caring. It’s nice to see we have become good friends over the years.”_ _

__“Hmm, yeah, something like that.” Bellamy said, his voice dripping in sarcasm._ _

__She couldn't exactly say why, but his comment and self-deprecating smile started to make her feel uncomfortable. The awkward silence and the intense way in which he looked at her certainly wasn’t helping either. Once she mentioned how tired and in need of rest she was, Bellamy’s exhale sounded like one of relief. Minutes later mumbled his goodbyes and raced to his car without a backward glance, as if looking back proved to be unbearable._ _

__Clarke’s afternoon went about in a haze after that. After many failed attempts at helping her mother around the house, and walking into closets instead of other rooms too many times to keep count, she decided to call it a night. Once in bed she felt the weight of sleep dragging her down, and before she knew it she was dreaming._ _

_She woke up in a room bathed in bright light and a pair of strong arms enveloped her from behind. She felt safe, happy, **loved**. Her right hand caressed one of the hands resting around her middle before she mumbled._

_“You’re gonna be late for class.”_

_The arms around her tightened, and the warm body behind her snuggled closer. She could feel him burying his head in her hair._

_“Five more minutes, mom.” A deep voice slurred, thick with sleep._

_His comment caused her to snort before she pinched his arm._

_“Argh, seriously Clarke?” The voice whined._

_Which only caused her to laugh harder._

_“That’s for calling me mom.”_

_He tightened his hold on her before leaning closer, his voice whispering right in her ear._

_“Do you **want** to be a mom?”_

_Clark paused and hummed._

_“Yeah, but right now we’re discussing how you’re gonna be late if you don’t get up; not our future offspring.”_

_A low chuckle rumbled through his chest, still plastered to Clarke’s back, before he purred._

_“I’d rather get started on the baby-making if you don’t mind."_

_He dragged her under him and began to tickle her, until Clarke was shrieking for him to let her go. When she opened her eyes, finally able to see his face, her eyes met a flash of light and her ears were flooded with a piercing scream._

__Immediately, Clarke woke up with gasp, warm tears streaming down her face. She wiped the tears away with her left hand before stopping. She could barely see it, but it was there; on her wedding ring finger, the fading tan line of ring._ _

__“Honey, are you okay?” Her mom asked suddenly at her side._ _

__Her screams must have woke her._ _

__“Yeah, I’m fine it was just a dream.” Clarke said, distracted._ _

__Her mom nodded in understanding before asking, “Was it a bad dream?”_ _

__“No, actually. It was...nice,” Clarke replied softly._ _

__Not for the first time that day, Clarke wondered why she felt so uncomfortable and out of her skin. She found it strange how her mother placed her in a room that looked way too impersonal. There was nothing that indicated Clarke lived there. The few belongings she happened to have came from a suitcase Marcus had brought into the room when she settled in._ _

__“Mom? Clarke started._ _

__“Yes, honey?”_ _

__“Where are the rest of my things?”_ _

__Her mother paused mid yawn and regarded her in silence._ _

__“Why do I feel so out of place in this room, _my_ room?”_ _

__To gauge her reaction, Clarke rubbed the finger she had studied earlier and watched as her mom’s gaze zeroed in to her hand._ _

__“I don’t-”_ _

__“Please, mom, the _truth_.”_ _

__“For god’s sake Abby just tell her.” Came Marcus’ voice from the doorway, where he had clearly been watching their exchange in silence._ _

__“He was only trying to protect you, Clarke.”_ _

__“Who, mom?”_ _

__Her mom sighed. “Your husband.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, hopefully that wasn't as painful as chapter one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo what an episode tonight. My heart is still pounding a bit. How about a new chapter to ease the tension?
> 
> Listen to this mix while reading chapters 3 and 4  
> [here](http://8tracks.com/majo05/pieces-of-a-forgotten-past-vol-2)

Bellamy sat on his living room floor, surrounded by photo albums, nursing a glass of scotch. The version of himself smiling up at him from old pictures seemed to be taunting him. That version of Bellamy was happy, complete. His arms were wrapped around Clarke and they were both smiling into the camera. The memory of that day was clear in his mind; it was the first time they had visited Whisper Lake, a campground run by Monty’s aunt. They had so much fun that weekend the gang swore to make time and go at least once month. Their next trip had actually been scheduled to happen in a few weeks. Clarke had loved it there, being surrounded by trees and nature had always helped her decompress from work. Plus, she had plenty of material to choose from to work on her drawings. She didn’t remember any of it now.

His hold on the picture tightened as he took a swig from his scotch.

The sound of his cellphone ringing pulled Bellamy out of his reverie. He looked back at the clock on the wall and frowned before rushing to his phone. The last time he’d gotten a phone call so late it had not been good news. The caller id displayed Kane’s number and immediately Bellamy was overcome with a sense of apprehension.

“Marcus, what happened? Is she okay?” Bellamy asked in a rush, already looking for his car keys.

“Abby said I shouldn’t call you but, son, I think you should come here. Clarke is having a crisis. She had a panic earlier after talking with Abby and then locked herself up in her room the minute she was left alone. There was no sound coming from inside until a few minutes ago when she started screaming and throwing things around.”

“Did you try talking to her?” Bellamy rushed, already getting into his car and speeding away from the parking lot.

“Yes, but she says she doesn’t want to talk to us. She did ask for Raven though.”

 _Good_ , Bellamy thought. Clarke would open up to Raven.

“ Bellamy,” Marcus said gravely, “ I’m afraid she may try to hurt herself, she seemed pretty upset.”

“I’m already on my way.” Bellamy said into his phone before looking at the screen. 

Raven.

“Listen, Marcus, I have Raven on the other line.”

He hung up without waiting for Marcus’ reply and accepted Raven’s incoming call.

“Raven, are you there yet?”

“Yes, I raced here as soon as Abby called. I’m already parked outside. Do you know what happened? Abby just mentioned she had a crisis but something must have set her off.” Raven said worried.

“I don’t know, Marcus didn’t go much into detail. Please go see her and make sure she’s okay, I’ll be there in twenty.”

Bellamy was pretty sure he violated at least three traffic laws, and ran two red lights, but it all seemed worth it to him when he was pulling up into the Kane’s driveway in record time. He got out of his car and found Marcus waiting for him on the porch.

“Raven is already in there with her, she managed to calm her down. She’s fine, Bellamy, she’s fine.” Marcus told him as he walked him inside.

Bellamy took a deep breath and let Marcus’s reassurance wash over him. She was okay. Clarke was fine. It was only then he noticed Abby standing on the corridor right outside the guest room, now Clarke’s room. In a matter of seconds his uneasiness returned .

“What did you tell her?” Bellamy all but yelled at Abby.

She motioned for him to lower his voice and dragged him away from the door.

“I told her the truth, Bellamy.” Abby said matter of factly. “I told her that she’s married.”

Bellamy felt his stomach drop. So much for wanting to ease Clarke into the truth of their marriage. What made him feel even worse was knowing Clarke had reacted so badly at being married to him.

“I didn’t tell her who her husband was, just that she’s married. I told her things are complicated between the two of you right now and you didn’t want to overwhelm her.”

Bellamy let out a breath of relief at Abby’s clarification and nodded brusquely before walking back to the guest room. From inside he could catch whispered snippets of Clarke and Raven’s conversation.

“I’m so tired of of secrets, Raven.” Clarke croaked. “I don’t understand why they just won’t tell me the truth. I’m not made of glass, it’s not like I’m going to break because of a little honesty.”

 _But you are fragile right now, princess_. Bellamy thought. Her voice sounded so worn and hollow. In the years they had been together he had never heard her sound so … _broken_.

As if reading his thoughts Raven voiced Bellamy’s sentiment.

“Clarke, you are not weak, but you’re in a fragile state of mind right now. If people were to drop every single fact from your forgotten past on you right now you don’t know what could happen. You need to assimilate your present life and lost past on a day by day basis. We will help you to remember, but we have to take it slow, okay?”

Bellamy heard Clarke’s soft reply.

“I just feel so helpless, Raven. I can’t do anything without my hands shaking when I try to complete the simplest tasks. My head throbs with my smallest attempts at thinking about my past.”

“All those things will get better with rehabilitation and therapy, don’t worry. Tell you what, if you want I will take you to your appointments.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Thank you.” Clark mumbled. “I just feel so fucking useless, Raven. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I can’t help but feeling like I don’t belong here. Every time I face my parents or my friends every one looks at me like they’re expecting so much from me, like they are willing me to remember, and every time I look back at them I fail. The Clarke you guys have grown to love over the years, she’s gone. Now there’s just me. A broken shell empty of memories. I-I feel like I’m defective.” Clarke finished with a sob.

“Hey, hey, none of that now. Look at me, You are _not_ defective,” Raven whispered fiercely.

Bellamy leaned his head against the closed door and fought the urge to barge into the room, hug Clarke, and tell her everything. Seeing Clarke suffering so much tore Bellamy apart. She didn’t deserve it. He stayed against the door until all that came from the other side was silence.

When Raven opened the door to step outside he was able to catch a glimpse of Clarke as she slept. At least she looked calm now.

Raven suggested they all moved to the living room, saying it had taken her a while to convince Clarke to get some sleep. Once they were settled down Bellamy asked the question they’d been all waiting to hear answered.

“How is she?”

Raven took a sip from her tea before blowing a tired breath.

“She’s a wreck; her memories are all jumbled up. She said she doesn’t trust herself when it comes to differentiating from real memories or stuff she’s imagining from what we’ve been telling her. I know you said we should break things to her gently but I still think she should at least be told about Bellamy.” The last part she directed to Abby.

Bellamy was starting to think maybe Raven was right. At least if Clarke knew the truth he could take her home and help her in her recovery. He didn’t like keeping secrets from her. Abby chanced a guarded look at Bellamy before shaking her head.

“I think it’s for the best Clarke doesn’t find out about Bellamy yet.”

“Pardon my french, Abby, but that is bullshit and you know it. How is Clarke expected to recover her memories about him on her own if she’s not with him in the first place?” Raven said heatedly.

“Raven,” Abby smiled coldly, “If someone knows what’s best for my daughter I believe it’s me. Clarke’s state of mind is still fragile. Besides, how do you think she will take to finding out she’s married to a complete stranger.”

“But I am not a stranger, Abby. She remembered me, she _knows_ who I am.” Bellamy insisted.

“You’re right, Bellamy, she knows you.” Abby started “ What she does _not_ know is that you are worse than a stranger. You’re the one who caused all of this.” “ _Unbelievable_.” Raven fumed, before shooting up from the couch.

Never one to miss the opportunity to defend her friends, Raven continued to snap at Abby; saying she had been wondering when Abby’s good mother in law act would finally come to end. It wasn’t news to anyone Abby had never been too supportive of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship. The only reason why she had finally given into accepting it was because she didn’t want to lose her daughter. Their relationship had been strained as it was, she didn’t want to add another reason for her daughter to push her away.

All the while Raven ranted at his mother in law, Bellamy had simply watched the exchange in silence; dreading to admit there was some truth in Abby’s accusation. Abby picked up on his reaction and nodded.

“Oh yeah, Bellamy, I know about the fight.”

Bellamy froze. With everything that had happened in the last couple of days his brain had opted to push that piece of information to the back of his mind. In fact, he’d almost forgotten about it. But Abby’s words brought everything crashing back and he felt the guilt start to consume him.

“Wait, what fight? What is she talking about.” Raven asked, looking from Abby to Bellamy in confusion.

Fighting the bile rising on the back of his throat, Bellamy stood up from the couch slowly. Ignoring Raven’s question, he looked straight at Abby and said.

“You don’t know anything.”

Abby shot up from her seat and stood in front of Bellamy

“Believe me, Bellamy Blake. I know _everything_.” She hissed, glaring up at him.

Bellamy swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head. _No, she was wrong._

“If it wasn’t for you, my daughter wouldn’t be in the state she’s in right now.This is all your fault, and I will protect her from you for as long as I can. You’ve caused too much damage already.” Abby continued, jabbing her finger against his chest.

Marcus took a hold of his wife’s shoulders and pulled her back towards him.

“Enough, Abby.”

At her husband’s words, the manic look that had taken over Abby’s eyes disappeared. She took in the scene before her and stepped away from Bellamy.

“I’m sorry.” She muttered, not quite meeting his eyes.

Marcus steered his wife away towards the kitchen, leaving Raven and Bellamy in the living room.

“What the hell just happened?” She whispered, looking at Abby’s retreating back.

When she got no answer from Bellamy Raven turned around, only to find he was gone.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Bellamy was woken up by the feeling of someone jostling his shoulder. He mumbled a _fuck off_ and batted the hand away, hoping his assailant would get the message and leave him be. This seemed to have the opposite reaction though, and whoever was trying to wake him up punched him in the shoulder instead. Bellamy felt as if there were a thousand miniature creatures pounding away with hammers inside his head; the voices arguing from somewhere above him certainly did not help with his headache.

“I’m telling you. This is a bad idea.” came a whisper.

Was that Miller?

“I don’t give a rat’s ass. He owes me a fucking explanation and I’m about to get it.”

 _Raven._ He should’ve known.

“Bellamy Blake, get your drunk ass off that couch before I douse you in cold water.”

Bellamy rolled over and groaned. Hell had descended on his apartment and right then he would have rather kept sleeping. But he knew his friend, Raven was a very persistent little shit, and she sounded pretty pissed off at the moment. Which is why he kind of expected what came next.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Raven!” Bellamy gasped when a bowl of ice cold water was thrown at his face.

He opened his eyes to see Raven’s look of satisfaction and Miller’s apologetic shrug. Raven threw a towel at his face for him to dry off and looked at him in disgust.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Bellamy?”

Bellamy merely looked at her with annoyance before getting off the couch.

“Make yourselves at home” He drawled sarcastically before pulling off his shirt.

Miller sighed and disappeared into Bellamy’s room before reappearing with a shirt and throwing it at Bellamy. Raven threw a betrayed look at Miller before grilling Bellamy.

“Is this what you’ve been doing for the past three days, moping around in your apartment and drowning your sorrows with liquor? We were worried sick about you. Not only that, you still have to tell me what the hell was that all about with Abby blaming you for Clarke’s accident. Why did she say it was your fault?”

Bellamy shrugged on the dry shirt and finally looked at his friends.

“Because it was.”

“Please explain to me because I do not understand how Clarke being hit by a drunk driver was your fault.”

Bellamy took a deep breath and sat down on the couch, running both of his hands through hair.

“The day of the accident I was supposed to meet Clarke at her job. You know I don’t like her driving late after work, especially when she has pulled an all nighter the day before.”

Raven and Miller nodded and urged him to go on.

“The thing is, that morning she and I got into an argument about Abby. She had been letting her mom drag her around lately. The woman wouldn’t stop pestering Clarke about med school, saying she had been slacking too much lately. What pissed me off was how Clarke let everything Abby said get to her. You know Clarke always stands up to Abby, but lately she had been acting different. I guess it was the stress from school and work. Clarke must have been so mad or troubled, that she didn’t wait for me to meet her and drive us back. She left by herself.”

“I still fail to believe how this makes her accident your fault, Bellamy.”

“Don’t you see?” Bellamy cried, “If I had not fought with her that morning she would never have gotten so upset and she would’ve waited for me at the hospital. It’s my fault, Raven. _My_ fault.

“Bellamy, that doesn’t mean what happened is your fault.” Miller murmured, stepping closer to his friend.

Bellamy shook his head and brought a shaking hand to his face.

“What happens when Abby tells her the reason why Clarke got into that crash is because she didn’t want to wait for me? She was probably so distracted with all the shit I said to her that morning that she didn’t pay attention to the road.”

When Miller put his hand on Bellamy’s shoulder, the latter dropped his head and took a shuddering breath. As Bellamy’s body started shaking Miller exchanged a look with Raven before this one kneeled in front of the couch and leaned close to Bellamy.

“Bellamy,” she said gently, pulling his hands away from his face. “I don’t care what happened between you and Clarke. The accident was not your fault. Look, I know you. More importantly I know _her _. She would never blame you for what happened. That girl loves you, just as much as you love her.”__

“Not anymore.” Bellamy offered hoarsely. “She doesn’t remember loving me. Maybe Abby’s right, maybe Clarke is better off without me.”

Raven shook her head in disbelief.

“Screw Abby.” She snarled. “Don’t take what she says to heart. You know she’s never liked you much, even if she’s started to treat you more civil with all that’s happened. Clarke is your wife. She should be here with you, working on remembering. Why in the world is she at her mother’s house when she should be here with you?"

Bellamy gave her a pained look.

“Tell her the truth, Bellamy.”

“Raven, I can’t-”

“The hell you can’t.” She yelled. “I never took you for a coward, Blake. Instead of fighting for the woman you love and facing this situation head on you’re here hiding in your apartment. You’re afraid of how she might react when she finds out she’s married to you. You’re afraid of rejection.”

Seeing that Bellamy didn’t deny any of her claims Raven went on.

“What if I said I already told her the truth?”

Bellamy’s gaze snapped to her face before he grabbed her arm.

“What?!” He roared, tightening the grip on her arm.

Raven stared back at him defiantly and curled her lip when Miller pulled them apart.

“Calm down, man. She’s not being serious.” Miller said.

>Raven raised a challenging eyebrow and shrugged. When she saw the scared look on Bellamy’s eyes her face softened.

“Bellamy,” she sighed, “You and Clarke have had your ups and downs. If there is any couple who can get through something like this it’s you two. You will see, with time her memories will come back. And if they don’t you can make new ones. You got her to fall for you once, you could get her to do it again. _Fight_ for your wife, Bellamy.” Raven insisted.

“She’s right, you know.” Miller offered as he appear at Bellamy’s side with a glass of water. “You are Bellamy Blake, former rebel without a cause. You can do whatever the hell you set your mind to.”

As long as he stayed away, keeping her in the dark, he felt safe. He could continue to live in the past, nursing the idea that she might remember him on her own and come back to him of her own accord. The moment Clarke found out about them his safety bubble would burst, and that wasn't a risk he was willing to take. Deep down Bellamy knew his friends were right, but the idea of actually losing Clarke forever scared him.

“You’re right.” he said.

After finishing up their pep talk Raven suggested they order some pizza and watch a movie on Netflix, as they often did, but they didn’t do much watching since Bellamy kept pausing the movie to ask Raven random things and catching up on what happened on the three days he was under the radar . Bellamy found out Raven had a copy of his apartment keys courtesy of Octavia. He seriously needed to have a talk with his friends about privacy. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon joking and talking.

“Hey, Miller, where’s your other half?” Bellamy asked while attempting to dodge a pillow Raven threw at him.

“He decided to stay home with Gia, she was running a fever last night and he’s monitoring her.”

“You should’ve stayed with them, man.” Bellamy said.

“I promised Monty I would return early. Besides, there was no way I could leave my best man alone in his time of need.” Miller smiled.

The idea that his friend had rushed to his side, instead of staying home with his baby girl and his husband, shamed Bellamy. By acting like an inconsiderate ass and moping around, he was not only affecting his own life but also the lives of the people around him. Bellamy was still brooding about this when Raven’s cellphone rang, she frowned before answering the call.

“Hello? Yeah, I am.Wh- you mean right now? Oo-kay I’ll be there soon.”

When she hung up both Bellamy and Miller were looking at her expectantly.

“Sorry, guys” Raven started, “something’s come up and I have to go.”

Miller teased her about abandoning their bonding session so soon while Bellamy complained about her showing up to make a mess in his house and leaving him with all the cleaning.

“Your house was already a mess, Blake. Besides, Miller can help.” Raven smiled cheekily.

“Where are you going anyway?” Bellamy asked suspicious.

Raven picked up her bag and ran to the door before turning around and answering his question with a mischievous smile.

“To make a delivery.”

And with that she was out the door.

Miller offered to help Bellamy clean up a bit before leaving, but Bellamy shrugged him off and told him to go home back to his family. Bellamy continued watching the movie and ended up dozing off on the couch.

_He was resting his head on shapely thighs, the feeling of soft and delicate fingers carding through his hair had him humming in contentment. One of the hands scratching his head moved over to his face and soon he felt and finger contouring his nose and cheekbones._

_“What are you doing?” Bellamy asked with his eyes closed._

_“I’m counting your freckles.” Clarke said matter of factly._

_“Why?” Bellamy frowned, scrunching up his nose._

_“Because,” a smile evident in her voice, “ I want this portrait to be accurate. I give up, though; your snores keep making me lose count.”_

_A laugh escaped Bellamy’s chest as he reached out to pinch Clarke’s thigh._

_“Hey!” she whined._

_He rolled to his side and slanted his lips over the skin he had just pinched. Clarke gave his hair a gentle tug to return him to his previous position and sighed._

_“I shouldn’t even bother counting your freckles, there’s too many. Like stars on cloudless sky,” she whispered._

_Bellamy reached for Clarke’s hand and brought it to his lips, placing a kiss on her wrist. He relished on the way her pulse raced beneath his lips and smiled. A giggle escaped Clarke’s lips as she lowered her head to his._

_“I love you,” she whispered against his lips. “Always and forever.”_

_She captured his lips with her own. Her kiss a sealing promise._

_Always and forever._

___The sound of his phone snapped Bellamy out of the memory. Looking at his cellphone screen Bellamy saw it was a text from Raven. Reyes and her damn timing, he groaned._ _ _

**Raven:** Hey, mopey. I just realized I left my jacket at your place. Could you have it ready for me? I’ll be picking it up in a few.

 **Bellamy:** Idk Rae, I was in the middle of a really good dream before you woke me. Maybe I should burn your jacket as retribution.

 **Raven:** Don’t you fucking dare, Blake. It was a present from my favorite tia. Why don’t you leave your revenge plotting for some other time and go take a shower instead? I didn’t want to say anything earlier but you fucking stink. 

Bellamy sniffed himself and winced.

 **Raven:** You just sniffed yourself, didn’t you? :D

 **Bellamy:** Shut up.

 **Raven:** :P

___Bellamy was almost done getting dressed when there was a knock at the door. He slung the towel he was using to dry his hair over his shoulder, and snatched Raven’s jacket from the couch while rolling his eyes. _She has a damn copy, why doesn’t she just come in_ Bellamy mumbled on his way to the door._ _ _

___“Seriously, Raven, I don’t understand why-”_ _ _

___His words died on his lips upon opening the door._ _ _

___“Hi, Bellamy.” came the husky greeting._ _ _

_Delivery, my ass._ Bellamy mumbled to himself. Raven went off to do a delivery, alright. Bellamy just wasn’t aware _he_ was the recipient of said delivery.  
It had only been three days since he last saw her, but her presence alone still managed to make his brain haywire. Bellamy gulped and drank her in with his eyes.

___“Hi, Clarke.”_ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun duuuuuuuunnnnn Our lovebirds are finally reunited on familiar ground. The big question is, why is Clarke there? That's a secret I won't tell you until the next installment :p
> 
> PS: The companion mix for this chapter and chapter four will be posted along with the next chapter


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this today, I felt iffy about it and wanted to add more, but then that episode happened and I needed some Bellarke. Sorry if it's short uwu.

Clarke was doing her best not fidget under Bellamy’s gaze; from the moment he first laid eyes on her standing outside his door he’d done nothing but stare at her, after mumbling a distracted greeting. A myriad of emotions flitted across his face until he was looking at her with undeniable longing.

“May I come in?” Clarke asked shyly. 

“S-sure, please. Come in.” Bellamy stumbled over his words.

Bellamy closed the apartment door after her and then rushed to the coffee table, trying to arrange some of the mess he had left there earlier. Clarke bit back a smile at his nervousness and stepped further into the apartment. She was able to catch a glimpse of photo albums and made note to ask him if she could look at those later. Once he seemed happy with his attempt at cleaning up the table he looked up at her and swallowed.

“What are you doing here?”

When she didn't answer him right away Bellamy grew uneasy and then it was his turn to fidget. His nervousness had a calming effect on Clarke. It was good to know she wasn't the only one feeling like jumping out of her skin, especially knowing what she knew now. She looked Bellamy in the eye and said.

“I wanted to hear the truth from you.”

At first Bellamy seemed like was going to try and play it off as if he had no idea what she meant, but Clarke would have none of that. She took a purposeful step towards him, leaving only a foot of distance between them, and raised a questioning eyebrow.

When the truth of her statement finally dawned on him Bellamy’s eyes widened comically.

“S-she actually told you?” 

Clarke nodded and Bellamy ran a hand down his face, shaking his head. 

“I’m going to kill her.” He muttered distractedly.

“Don’t get mad at her, Bellamy.” Clark sighed. “I knew something was up when I arrived at my mother’s house and noticed the lack of my belongings there. Raven went to see me the other night when I wasn't feeling well and I made her tell me.”

Bellamy started pacing, giving Clarke a mirthless laugh.

“That still didn't give her the right to tell you.” 

In a matter of seconds Clarke was seething with anger. _Seriously?_ It was the first time in days since they last saw each other, where Clarke finally knew they were **married**. Instead of explaining himself Bellamy was too busy threatening bodily harm at Raven for telling her the truth. He continued to pace, running his hands through his already disheveled hair, and looking everywhere but her face.

Clarke took advantage of his silence to really look at her surroundings; the pale blue walls around her gave her a sense of peace and belonging. She recognized some of her earlier artwork decorating the walls and smiled, happy to know it was something future- Clarke still cherished. _Not future-Clarke, **present-Clarke**._ A small voice reminded her.

Her eyes were then drawn to another wall; this one covered by an arsenal of picture frames. Some were pictures of her and Bellamy in different scenarios, others were pictures of their friends and family. Out of the corner of her eye Clarke perceived there was another frame, this one bigger than the rest. Something inside her urged her to turn around, but Clarke was scared. That same small urge was the one that had made her search for the truth of the past everyone insisted on hiding from her, the same emotion which had pushed her to get the truth from her mom and Raven; while her instincts had worked to her favor before, following them still scared the crap out of her. Bracing herself, Clarke took a deep breath and turned slowly to look at the picture. What was in the wall in front of her caused her to release a shaky breath. 

On the 12 by 16 picture frame there was a black and white picture of Bellamy and her. Bellamy had his arms wrapped around her; his right hand on the small of her back keeping her body closer. Clarke was smiling up at him; her hands were holding onto his lapels, pulling his face towards hers. From the angle the picture was taken it was easy to tell they had not been aware of whomever took the picture. They were completely wrapped up in each other, so happy and in love. 

Clarke felt her chest tighten and fought against the pressure building behind her eyes. 

“This is so unfair.” she whispered with trembling lips.

She yearned for a past she didn't remember, but wished she did. She thought of the unfairness of everything. Not only was she missing some of the most important events of her life, she was missing the emotions she felt in those moments. 

Unable to look at the picture without letting her emotions take the best of her, Clarke turned back around and found Bellamy watching her with guarded eyes, clearly gauging her reaction.

“You know,” Clarke started, clearing her throat. “I've spent the last three days in a constant state of angst and helplessness. I couldn't seem to handle this internal sorrow that just won’t seem to go away. Having your memories taken away from you is kind of frustrating that way.” she joked halfheartedly.

Bellamy half smiled and moved closer to her. Clarke shook her head and bit her lower lip.

“You know what hurts even more, though?”

Bellamy shook his head.

“Finding out you have a husband and realizing he doesn't care enough to go see you or telling you the truth.”

Bellamy paled with her accusation. He started to explain himself but Clarke cut him off.

“When I found out we were married I couldn't believe it.” she continued shakily. “I mean, how in the world did I end up falling in love with Bellamy Blake. We could barely stand each other way back when. But there I was, being reassured by Raven and Marcus. That we were madly in love, and despite all the struggles and the bullshit fate seemed to throw at us we always made it past it. And yet in the two weeks I've been awake I have only seen you twice, Bellamy. Tell me, why is that?”

Bellamy looked away in shame before gravely answering.

“I only did it to protect you, Clarke. You didn't seem to take too kindly at me when I went you see you the first time. Or need I remind how you lashed out at me at the hospital?” 

Clarke kept quiet and observed him. He stood in front of her, looking so collected and calculating; while she felt like her mind was being strung up in a thousand different directions. She wanted nothing more than to walk up to him and shake him.

“Look, Bellamy,” Clarke said agitated, “I get that the first time I was too worked up for you to tell me truth. But what of the second time, huh? When you were waiting for me at my mom’s after I was discharged, why didn't you tell me about us then?” 

Bellamy shoved his hands on the pockets of his sweat pants and shrugged defensively.

“I was scared.” he said lowly.

Clarke wanted to scoff at that. If there was someone who had the right to be scared it was her, not him.

“I don’t understand. What were you scared of?”

“I was scared you wouldn't want me. Your memories might be gone, but mine aren't, and if I remember correctly your impression of me 5 years ago wasn't the most pleasant. You called me an insensitive ass with an ego the size of Texas. The times we interacted with each other back then always ended with you looking at me with disappointment. Those are the only memories you have of me, and I couldn't handle knowing that. I thought you were better off without me, if only for a little while.”

“You didn't know that, Bellamy. That was my decision to make. Was our relationship so much of a sham that once you found yourself free of me you took the chance stayed away?” she cried.

Bellamy’s gaze snapped back to her, his eyes darkening in anger.

“Don’t you dare come to me with that bullshit, Clarke. I know you’re suffering, believe me, I have had enough daily reports from Raven’s visits and the rest of the gang. But you’re not the only one who’s struggling here. You may be mourning for your missing memories, but I’m missing my partner, my best friend. I am missing my _wife_.”

“I _am_ your wife, Bellamy.” Clarke cried.

Her reaction took her aback. There was so much conviction in her voice it frightened her. _Where had that come from?_

Her outburst also startled Bellamy, who had raised his head and was now looking at her. His eyes pierced into her, causing her to take an unsteady breath. 

“Are you?” He asked softly. His tone really meaning _do you want to be?_

Clarke didn't remember their story, or any of their time together, but she hated seeing him like that. In some deeper level, she was starting to feel the pain he felt as her own. Whatever feelings her past self had for the man standing in front of her were still there, otherwise Clarke wouldn't be feeling so strongly. It was almost as if past-Clarke was trying to claw her way out and make her feelings known.

Clarke stared back at Bellamy, a turmoil of emotions threatening to spill out from inside her, before answering. 

“Yes, I am your wife.” She breathed. “It might take me a while to remember. Hell, for all we know those memories might stay lost forever. But how stupid would I be if I didn't try to get them back.”

Bellamy nodded and licked his lips; he was hanging to every word she said, a hopeful glint in his eyes. 

“You know, when I was in the hospital I always had this feeling that something or” Clarke paused, “ _someone_ apart from my memories was missing. Someone important. And I remember how sometimes at night I felt there was someone with me in the hospital room, watching over me, holding my hand. That was you wasn't it?” 

The slight blush spreading over Bellamy’s face, and the look in his eyes, was enough to let Clarke know her suspicions had been right. She took a deep breath before saying.

“Do you love me, Bellamy?”

Bellamy reached out for her and stopped, wondering whether she would welcome his touch or not, before he settled his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer. Clarke closed her eyes and relished the warmth of his hands. When she opened them she found him looking down at her, his gaze going from her eyes to her lips. He brought his right hand up, running his thumb over her cheek, before cupping her face and leaning in closer. It was only when their foreheads were finally touching, their lips mere inches apart, that he finally answered her question.

“With my life.” came his whisper.

Clarke inhaled sharply, fighting the urge to lean further into his touch, and took a step back. 

“You love me so much, and yet, you didn't try to get me back, to get me to remember.” 

The accusation in her tone made Bellamy flinch.

“Clarke, it wasn't like that,” he started, taking a step towards her. “The doctors said it wouldn't be wise to dump all the details of your past on you. I was going to tell you, hell, I almost did three nights ago but then-”

Clarke shook her head in disbelief and turned for the door, not even letting him finish his sentence. Bellamy stood shaking, jaw clenched to keep from crying. Thinking the worst. She was walking out on him. He had truly fucked up and now she was leaving him for good. When Clarke entered the apartment once again, this time dragging a suitcase behind her, Bellamy gaped at her in confusion. She placed the case by the couch and stood in front of him.

“I don’t understand.” Bellamy said shakily.

Clarke raised an eyebrow and shrugged, hooking her thumbs on the pockets of her jeans.

“From what I've been told it seems like we were crazy about each other. I don’t know, I feel like it would be kind of a cop out for me to just stay away and wait for my memories to come back, that is _if_ they happen to come back. Bellamy, I want to remember that feeling.”

Clarke shyly reached for Bellamy’s hand and squeezed it.

“I hear these stories about us and I want it, I want it all. I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to try. So what’s it going to be?” She breathed.

Bellamy placed his hand on top of hers and nodded rapidly, swallowing back a sob. 

“It’s going to take some time, things might not work out the way we want to. Just please, Bellamy, be patient with me, okay?” Clarke whispered.

Before she knew what was happening she found herself enveloped by his arms, and felt him drop a kiss on her hair before whispering.

“Anything for you princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that good? Are y'all happy? This is only the beginning of Clarke's journey to recovery. We already know she's willing to try to get her old life back, but will she be able to handle it?
> 
> EDIT: Okay, it's settled. The story will continue as I had originally planned, with the OC rather than Lexa, since I had already started to work on that. I will try to incorporate somehow Clarke's bisexuality tho, since I think it's important, but I don't promise anything.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke living under the same roof. How awkward is that going to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I heard y'all were asking for an update. So I'm giving y'all an update

Bellamy couldn’t even function properly at the moment. He was trying to wrap his head around what had just happened. Clarke had gone back downstairs to let Raven know she was staying with Bellamy. It turned out the mysterious phone call Raven received earlier that night had been from Clarke, asking her to take her to see Bellamy. While Clarke was gone Bellamy had opted to stay in the apartment, clearing some of his earlier mess. It was futile though. He was still in a daze about Clarke’s decision. Clarke was there with him, and she’d chosen to stay. Had it been any other person going through what Clarke was experiencing right now they would have probably chosen to stay with their family, with the people they remembered; someone in her position would have never chosen to move in with someone who was pretty much a stranger to them. He should’ve known better though. This was Clarke, his princess would be the kind of person to pull something like this. 

_Brave princess._ Bellamy thought with a smile.

“What has you smiling like that?” came Clarke’s voice.

Bellamy whirled around and found her looking at him with curiosity.

 _You are._ He wanted to tell her.

Instead, he settled for telling her it was just a funny thought. Clarke seemed to accept his answer and asked him to show her around.

Bellamy gave her a tour of their place, a two bedroom apartment they had purchased three years ago when they decided to move in together. It had a cozy living room, which pretty much doubled as the TV room given how often they would cuddle there to watch TV. The kitchen was Bellamy’s favorite spot, surrounded by white walls and large windows that brightened everything. Cooking had always been a way for him to unwind, and after having raised Octavia pretty much on his own he grew up knowing quite a few recipes from his late mother. 

Clarke’s favorite spot had always been the apartment’s terrace. She had fallen in love with it the minute she saw it and insisted they needed to buy that apartment before even checking their other options. 

“The view is beautiful.” Clarke now whispered in awe as he took her outside. 

The sky was dark, lacking a few stars, but the arrangement of lights coming from the streets below them and the buildings surrounding them made for a breathtaking sight.

“You always thought so. It’s one of the main reasons why we got it.” Bellamy offered, never taking his eyes off her smiling face.

Once back inside Clarke mentioned being a bit tired so Bellamy showed her to their bedroom and helped her settle in. 

“Where will you sleep?” Clarke asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I’ll take the guest room. Let me just get some of my things from the closet.”

When he stepped out he found Clarke sitting on the bed and bouncing on it a little, trying out the mattress. She looked at him with a look of approval and Bellamy held back a smile. 

“Bathroom’s this way,” he said pointing over his shoulder. “I left a clean towel and your pajamas in there. If you need anything I’ll be just down the hall, okay?” 

Clarke nodded before saying. 

“Thank you, for everything.”

“What are husbands for, right?” Bellamy blurted out before wincing. 

He immediately left for the guest room, kicking himself for making things weird. Clarke had said she’d need time to get used to the idea of them being married, but if the low chuckle emanating from their room was anything to go by, things might not be too weird between them after all.

Hours later into the night, Bellamy was woken by the sound of shattering glass. He bolted out of bed and ran to the master bedroom only to find Clarke kneeling on the floor and picking up shards of glass with shaking hands.

“I-I’m sorry. I had a nightmare, couldn’t sleep, and I dropped the cup. I-”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Bellamy whispered rushing to her aid. 

He took the shards of glass from her hands and dumped them on the floor again before heading to the laundry room to grab a broom and dustpan. Once back in the room, he found Clarke still kneeling on the floor, and picking at the smaller pieces of glass sticking to her fingers. When Bellamy was done cleaning the mess he wiped Clarke’s hands with a damp towel and took her back to bed. 

“You okay there?” he asked, tucking the blanket around her.

“Yeah, thanks.” She answered, looking at him shyly.

Bellamy handed her a fresh glass of water, which she accepted sheepishly, and sat next to her on the bed. 

“I’m such a klutz.” Clarke exhaled, rubbing her forehead.

“It’s okay, Clarke. Accidents happen.”

Clarke muttered something along the lines of _don’t I know it_ startling a snort out of Bellamy.

“Too soon?” she asked, scrunching up her nose and looking back at him.

Bellamy shook his head in amusement.

“Some would say so. But if you’re already making jokes like that, I say it’s not.” He offered. 

Clarke sighed and lay back on the bed, her eyes trained on the ceiling.

“Sleep is kind of a commodity for me these days.” She said softly.

“What about your sleeping pills?” Clarke refused to meet his eyes. “There’s a reason the doctor prescribed them, Clarke.” Bellamy said, looking at her pointedly.

Clarke crossed her arms over her chest and huffed with annoyance before glancing at him from under her lashes. She was almost honest to God pouting, and Bellamy wanted nothing more than to kiss that damn pout. 

“I don’t want to take the meds,” she grumbled. “They make me foggy and shaky the morning after.”

In the past, whenever Clarke couldn’t sleep, Bellamy usually offered her a massage. The activities that followed it always managed to leave her spent and ready to fall asleep. He knew that option was off the table now. He regarded Clarke in silence, thinking of something that would cheer her up when a thought struck him.

“I think I have something that will help.” He smiled reaching into a drawer of the nightstand.

He pulled out the leather bound journal and watched as Clarke’s eyes lit up with interest. 

“What is that?”

“A journal.” Bellamy offered.

“Wait, I keep a journal?” She said with disbelief.

Clarke looked from Bellamy to the notebook in his hand with a frown.

“Something like that.”

Bellamy shrugged, trying to hide his amusement, and encouraged her to open it. Clarke took the notebook from him and ran her hands over the cover, her fingers tracing out her carved initials on the worn leather. The look of awe that took over her face when she finally opened the journal was one Bellamy wished he could’ve captured. It was almost as if she was back to her old self again.

“I made these?” Clarke asked breathlessly.

“You’ve been drawing your entire life. Why do you seem so surprised?”

Surely she remembered. Drawing was something Clarke had loved to do since way before Bellamy met her. 

Clarke swallowed and gave Bellamy a shaky smile.

“It’s just, with everything that has happened, and the way everyone describes how my life is supposed to be now… I didn’t think for a moment that drawing was something I was allowed anymore.” She finished softly.

Bellamy scooted over closer to Clarke and placed his hands over hers, making her look up at him.

“No one has to allow you to do anything, Clarke. You draw because you love it, it’s an escape for you. You may lead a busy life, but drawing has always been part of who you are. You never let anyone judge you for it, not even your mom.”

Clarke watched him in silence before a small smile broke over her face. She pulled her hands out of his grasp and went back to flipping through the journal. Since drawing in her journal had always been a private activity for Clarke. Bellamy began to leave, to give her some space, when her hand shot out and held onto his wrist.

“Wait, can you stay? I want to try something.”

Bellamy stood confused in his spot before heading for his side of the bed only to be stopped once again.

“Not so fast, mister.” Clarke teased. “Sit right there, on the floor.”

Bellamy chuckled lowly and sat right on the spot she had pointed. When he was settled on the floor, with his back to the wall and facing her, he raised his hand in a “what now” manner. Clarke tilted her head to the side and began to draw black traces on the sheet of paper. Her enthusiasm dimmed quickly, though. Bellamy noticed the slight tremor on the hand holding the pencil. She flexed her hand and went back to draw but had to stop again. The tightening in her jaw and stiffness of her posture showed she was on the verge of breaking. Bellamy knew this was upsetting her; he would be upset too. After all the things that were taken from her lately, _this_ too?

“Maybe you should start with something simple, you know, to warm up. You can work your way up from that.” Bellamy spoke quietly.

Clarke dropped the pencil and met his gaze. The look in her eyes told him she knew exactly what he was trying to do, and she seemed kind of grateful for it. Squaring her shoulders, and taking a deep breath, she started over on a new piece of paper. 

_That’s my girl._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was only when she was done tracing the last finishing strokes of her drawing that Clarke allowed herself to move back and look at the whole thing. Taking over the entire page was a drawing of a dark blue sky illuminated by shining stars. On the edges surrounding the page she had drawn leaves and tree branches; two of which seemed to be intertwined together and separated at the end, making the branch look like a set of horns sprouting from the top of a tree. 

From the way she had depicted the scene it seemed as if she had once lay down on the ground and looked up at that same sky. She didn’t recall ever seeing that scene from the old memories she still had. So she figured it must have been from some time in her life post Bellamy. 

Clarke laughed at that thought. 

She’d taken to categorizing her memories into two categories: pre Bellamy, which consisted of the memories she remembered from her old past, before she ever met Bellamy, and post Bellamy, the memories that were missing from her now and the ones that chronicled their life together. 

Clarke looked up, ready to show Bellamy her drawing , and found him fast asleep. His back was supported by the wall and his head hung off to the side, his neck bent at what seemed a very painful angle. She looked at the bedside clock and was surprised to see it was already 4 am. She had been drawing for hours and didn’t even notice. She couldn’t help it; drawing was something that always brought her serenity, and honestly? She needed all the serenity she could take at the moment.

Clarke turned back to Bellamy, taking in the shadows under his eyes and slight stubble on his jaw. She got off the bed quietly and knelt by his side, thinking about waking him, but ended up watching him from up close instead. For the hundredth time that week Clarke wondered how in the world the two of them had ended up together. She remembered finding him attractive the first time she saw him. The second time she saw him when had opened his mouth she had groaned and decided to tune him out completely from that day on. So, how was it that Bellamy Blake, the cocky playboy from Ark town, managed to abandon his questionable reputation and fall in love with the town’s”princess” as he often liked to call her? Clarke figured she would have to ask him about how they got together eventually. 

Clarke found herself reaching out and running her index finger down the length of his nose, tracing the outline of freckles smattered over his skin.

“ _Like stars on a cloudless sky_.” She murmured with wonder.

At the sound of her voice Bellamy began to stir and blinked owlishly at her; causing Clarke to snatch her hand back in embarrassment.

“Wha- did you say something, princess?” Bellamy asked sleepily.

Clarke shook her head rapidly, biting her lip. Bellamy scratched his head and attempted to get off the floor, falling on his butt in the process. Clarke almost laughed until she saw him grimace. She quickly reached out to help him and stopped him from falling again. Bellamy groaned, complaining about his back, stirring some feelings of guilt in Clarke for asking him to stay on the floor earlier. 

Once up, Bellamy face planted into Clarke’s bed instead of going to the guest room, where he was supposed to be sleeping. He looked so exhausted Clarke didn’t have the heart to wake him up again just to kick him out. So she pulled the covers over him, lay down by his side, and fell asleep counting his freckles; wondering why she had the feeling this was something she’d done before.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------

As the first rays of sunlight streamed through the bedroom curtains, Bellamy sighed contentedly and reached out for Clarke, wanting nothing more than to treat her to one of his famous early morning cuddle sessions. He paused when he found her side of the bed empty. She must have gone out for a run. Clarke wasn’t a fan of exercising, but when she did get it into her head to workout she tended to be kind of excessive about it. _Damn this woman and her random morning runs._

It was only when Bellamy spotted the various bottles of pills on Clarke’s night table that the truth came back to him. The accident. Her amnesia. Clarke showing up at his place last night. Him falling asleep on the floor, and a very vague memory of Clarke coaxing him into bed. Bellamy stumbled out of bed and went in search for Clarke. When he called her name and got no answer he started to panic, until he looked outside and saw her standing outside on the terrace. 

“Morning, princess.” 

Clarke turned around surprised and pulled the robe around her tighter.

“Hey,” she said softly, “sleep well?”

“It was the first good night’s sleep I’ve gotten in a while actually. Sorry for falling asleep on your bed, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“It’s okay, after all, it’s your bed too.” Clarke smiled.

Bellamy nodded and laughed before asking. “Did you sleep in the guest room?”

Clarke looked down at her feet, a blush spreading over her cheeks, and fidgeted with the sash tied around her waist.

“Actually, I- I fell asleep next you.” She mumbled. “I mean, if what I did could be called sleeping. I mostly spent the night thrashing in bed, I’m surprised I didn’t wake you.”

“I didn’t think you would like to spend the night next to a stranger.” Bellamy said sheepishly.

Clarke turned to him fully and pinned him with her gaze.

“I might not remember my life with you, Bellamy. But believe it or not I feel safe with you.”

The two of them shared a charged look before looking away in embarrassment. Moments later Clarke turned to him, a mischievous glint in her eyes, and planted both hands on her hips. She gave him an expectant look.

“Well, what did old me usually did on a Sunday morning?”

“You either went into one of your random morning runs-”

“Yeah, I’m not really up for that.” Clarke interjected quickly with a shake of her head.

“- or we spent the morning in bed. Which I don’t think you’re ready for either...” Bellamy finished. 

Clarke opened and closed her mouth until Bellamy burst out laughing. Clarke sent him a glare for making fun of her but soon found herself laughing too. Bellamy waved her over and the two of them went to the kitchen to cook breakfast. Their cooking plans went down the drain when Bellamy realized didn’t have any edible food on his fridge. He had been so distracted with the accident and watching over Clarke that he’d forgotten to go grocery shopping. Bellamy quickly jumps up at Clarke’s suggestion to go shopping and soon after the two of them were leaving the apartment. 

As they were stepping out of the building Clarke stopped and lingered by the entrance. He turned around and found her anxiously eyeing the cars parked up front. When he asked her if she was okay Clarke swallowed and carefully made her way towards him, making sure to keep Bellamy’s body between herself and the ongoing traffic on the street. His heart ached at the distress in her eyes. Bellamy reached for Clarke’s hand, hoping to ease her distress, and had to hold back a smile when he felt her twine her fingers with his. 

They walked in silence until they reached Keke’s, Bellamy’s favorite breakfast restaurant. After finishing their breakfast Clarke claimed she was too full to walk all the way to the grocery store, so Bellamy dragged her out of the restaurant and took her to the park instead. 

They were sitting side by side on a bench in companionable silence, watching people passing by with their pets and children, when Clarke spoke.

“Bellamy?”

“Yeah?” He said, his gaze focused on a couple standing a few feet from them.

“How did we get together?”

Bellamy stopped, the paper cup of coffee he was drinking pausing halfway to his lips, and looked at Clarke.

When her question was met by his stunned silence she pushed on.

“I remember meeting you one day when you went to pick up Octavia at my house. Everything after that is jumbled together.”

Bellamy put his cup down and angled his body towards Clarke. She scooted closer to him, her face full of curiosity and anticipation. 

“That was the first time you saw me. The second time we met though, that day I will never forget. I believe it was a few weeks before the end of your senior year, you and O had stayed after school to work chemistry project. O wasn’t picking up her phone so I ended up calling Jasper hoping he was with you guys. He told me you were by the courtyard and I went to meet you all there. I remember you smiled at me when you saw me approach and I honest to God tripped.”

“You didn’t?!” Clarke laughed.

“I did.” Bellamy sighed. “For whatever reason you seemed happy to see me, and there I was, wondering who was this blonde vision with blue eyes that seemed to swallow me whole. So I jogged towards you guys and asked O to introduce us. ” 

Clarke winced and offered a sympathetic _Oh no_ , already knowing where the story was heading.

“The night O introduced us at your house I was too busy on the phone, which is why I didn’t pay much attention to you. You seemed a bit taken aback by my reaction, while Octavia merely punched my arm and reminded me I already knew who you were. I turned up my charm, trying to get me back on your good graces, but you completely iced me out after.”

“I think I remember some of that.” Clarke exclaimed with wide eyes. “Yeah, that’s why I remember not liking you very much.”

Bellamy snorted and continued the story.

“Things started to change between us after you guys graduated. You were always spending the night, despite your mom not liking me very much, and O was always on our case saying we should get along.”

“Sounds like Octavia.” Clarke said with a nod.

“One night that summer, you showed up on my doorstep with Octavia pissed drunk. I was so mad at you guys, especially you. You were always miss prim and proper, I couldn’t believe you’d let Octavia do something like that. When I started to go off on you, you shut me up and barged into the house, saying Octavia had called you because she was too scared to call me. You helped Octavia to get changed and then you helped me get her into bed. I remember telling you to go home but you ignored me and stayed by Octavia’s side. It was the longest fucking night of my life, I had never seen Octavia like that. You held her hair while she puked in the bathroom and rubbed her back when she got upset. When O started calling for our mom I raced to her side only to find you had beaten me to it. You let her cry on your shoulder and held her through the night. That was when I realized you weren’t the ice princess I had made you out to be. I think...”

Bellamy paused and gazed at Clarke while this one straightened in her seat, wanting him to finish his thought.

“I think that’s when I started to fall for you.” He whispered softly.

Clarke swallowed and looked away from him, clearly flustered by his comment. Shooting up from her seat, she suggested they head home and started on the direction of their apartment. Had she turned around on time, she would’ve seen the smile breaking over Bellamy’s lips at the mention of _their home._

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They didn’t have much of a chance to continue their conversation once they got to the apartment. As soon as Bellamy opened the door Clarke was hit by the smell of food and the sound of chattering. Jasper ran to the door and waved them inside, bellowing a loud “they’re here” to whomever else was with him at the house. Monty walked into the room soon after, followed by Miller who held a little girl in his arms, their daughter Gia. A baby's cry made Clarke to look to the other end of the living room, and she found Octavia and Lincoln huddled on the couch and watching over their baby girl.

“What is this?” Clarke asked, looking around.

“Celebratory lunch, of course.You’re finally home, I’d say that’s something to celebrate.” said Monty.

Clarke brought a hand to her chest, feeling very touched at her friends’ gesture. “You guys didn’t have to do that.”

Jasper waved her comment off. “It was nothing, Clarke. Besides, it was Bellamy’s idea.”

Clarke turned to Bellamy surprised, finding him looking at her with a gaze filled with warmth. He leaned close to her and said, “I just wanted to make you comfortable. I figured a way to help you to remember was to make things as close to your old life as possible, is that okay?”

Clarke reached for his hand and squeezed it, her eyes shining with unshed tears.“Thank you.” She whispered.

“Hey, where’s Raven?” Monty asked no one in particular.

Where _was_ Raven. Clarke figured it wouldn't’ be much of a gathering without her best friend there. She looked at Bellamy for an explanation and felt her stomach drop at his troubled look. She had almost forgotten how mad he had seemed the night before when he found out Raven told her the truth. Could be Bellamy so mad at their friend that he’d resort to shunning her? Just as Clarke was thinking this the doorbell rang.

Miller was the one who answered it, with Gia still hitched up on his hip. On the other side of the door stood a nervous looking Raven. Miller invited her in, leaning closer to kiss her cheek. Gia seemed excited for Raven’s arrival, as soon as she saw her she clapped happily and made kissy noises until Raven laughed and gave her small cheek a resounding kiss. Raven turned to the rest of the group and Clarke saw the smile dim from her friend’s face. 

“Room for one more?” Raven asked nervously, looking straight at Bellamy.

Instead of answering Bellamy watched her in silence. It was in that moment their friends finally realized there was something wrong going on. Raven cleared her throat and tried another smile.

“I brought homemade churros, abuela’s recipe.”

Clarke’s heart hurt in sympathy for her friend. Why did her husband had to be such a grump? She wanted to tell Bellamy to stop torturing their friend. Raven did what she did because she cared. She wanted to see their friends reunited. Why was it so hard for Bellamy to understand that?

Clarke took the plate from Raven’s hands and offered her a smile, ready to thank her friend for the gesture, when she felt Bellamy’s presence at her side. She looked over her shoulder and found him standing behind her, his face giving nothing away. Clarke was scared he was going to try and throw Raven out, and was about to intervene, when suddenly Bellamy pulled Raven into a hug.

“Thank you.” he whispered, his voice full of emotion. “Thanks for telling her the truth, and bringing her back to me.” 

Raven pulled back and gave him a watery smile.“Yeah, well. I had to make up for your stupidity somehow.” 

Raven’s comment startled a laugh out of Clarke and then she was hugging Raven too. The three of them stood, Bellamy embracing the two women while these failed at holding their tears back. 

“Did we miss something?” Monty staged whispered, earning a knowing smirk from Octavia.

Jasper shrugged from where he stood at his best friend’s side before saying. 

"I dont know what just happened. But im a feeling a bit left out. GROUP HUG!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo, what did you think? Talk to me about your feels. This wasn't bad compared to older chapters. I have been getting some people on my tumblr asking me when I'm updating and the truth is? I usually don't with these things. There usually are real life matters that intervene, plus the fic requests I get on my blog. Just to give you guys an idea though, I will try to update this fic every Wednesday. That way I can try to fill the Bellarke/The 100 shaped whole in your lives. Hopefully that works for you guys.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooo, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to read. To go oooover everyyyything. I had writer's block for ages, but I still wrote something.

Although Clarke loved having all of her friends under same roof, they could still be a pain sometimes. The group spent the afternoon fluttering around her, doing everything to make her feel at ease and trying to catch her up on things. It was nice, but it also made her feel anxious. Their hopeful smiles and way too encouraging words only made her feel even guiltier for not being able to remember anything. The welcome home lunch proved to be a bit of an overwhelming gathering; from Jasper’s babbling to Raven’s no nonsense attitude. Her shyness and guarded attitude seemed to clue them in her discomfort. Once they realized they were going for the wrong approach, the group started to simmer down, giving Clarke some breathing space. 

Soon enough things were running rather smoothly. That is, until Octavia called Clarke aside to give her a hand with baby Kaia. Clarke was in love with the baby, she loved kids. Somehow baby Kaia was extra special though. She was now part of Clarke’s family; or rather, Clarke was now a part of hers. In the midst of all the confusion and bittersweetness for Clarke, it felt nice to hold a baby again, to feel its warm weight against her chest, and to see the hope and promise of a new life and future in the baby’s eyes. 

Octavia asked Clarke to hold Kaia while she went through the diaper bag and Clarke felt herself melting when the baby opened her baby blues and gazed up at her solemnly. 

She realized there was something eerily familiar about the child's expression.

“Oh God," Clarke gasped, "she’s just like-”

“Bellamy, I know.” Octavia finished up for her with a laugh. “She has my eye color, but her stare is all Uncle Bell. Let’s hope she’s not as grumpy.”

Clarke laughed at her friend’s observation and continued to gaze in wonder at the baby.

“She’s beautiful, Octavia,” She whispered. “I’m very happy for you.”

Hearing no answer from her friend Clarke looked up and found Octavia watching her; a thoughtful expression on the brunette’s face.

“What about you, Clarke? Are _you_ happy?”

Octavia's question caught her off guard, leaving her at a loss of words. It took her a moment to come up with a reasonable answer. Why would Octavia even ask her something like that? She knew Clarke’s situation at the moment; she had no recollection of who she was supposed to be now, _of course_ she wasn’t exactly happy. And yet, instead of flat out saying no to her friend Clarke found herself saying that yes, she _was_ kind of happy with her life at the moment. Sure, she had lost part of who she was. But at least she was trying to get her life back. That had to count for something. Clarke said as much to the other woman.

“Oh, I know,” Octavia started, “and I’m glad for that. You deserve your happiness too... _and_ you and my brother deserve a second chance. A relationship like the one you guys had doesn't come around every day.”

“You know I’ve been hearing that a lot,” Clarke said with a raised eyebrow, “I’m starting to feel a little jealous of my past self.”

Octavia rolled her eyes playfully and reached out for her daughter.

“You have nothing to worry about. My brother’s crazy about you, memories or no memories.”  
Clarke handed the baby back to Octavia and sighed wistfully.

“I can’t help thinking how painful this must be for him, though. I can’t love him the way he loves me, who knows if I ever will,” Clarke said softly.

Octavia scooted closer to Clarke, bumping her shoulder to her friend’s, before offering softly, “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I don’t think you have anything to worry about... I can see it in your eyes.”

“See what?” Clarke asked confused.

Instead of answering Octavia smiled like she knew something Clarke didn’t. Clarke didn’t get a chance to ask her friend what she meant before Lincoln interrupted them saying it was time to go home.

The rest of the gang followed soon after, and before she knew it everyone was saying their goodbyes. The last guest was barely out the door before Bellamy started fussing over Clarke, asking her if she’d had enough for the day and whether she wanted to go get some rest.

“Let me help you clean up first,” Clarke said, grabbing a pile of dirty plates from the dining table.

She brushed past Bellamy, heading towards the kitchen, when his arms shot out to grab her. His hands settled on her waist from behind and he spun her around until they were facing each other, her hands holding the pile of dirty plates placed as a shield between them.

“Nuh huh, princess,” He started, signaling for her to put the plates down. “You leave those here and let me take care of that.”

“But-”

“No buts. Clarke, please. You’re still recovering, you need all the rest you can get. Trust me, in the next couple of days you’ll have your share of chores. We split those around here, you’ll be begging me to do dishes in no time.”

Clarke’s mouth twitched at the idea of that.

“Still, it’s late, Bellamy. I know you’re tired too. I saw you trying to hold back yawns when Jasper cornered you earlier. Between the two of us we can finish these in no time, let me help.”

A small smile crept up Bellamy’s face.

“There’s no arguing with you, is there princess?” 

Clarke looked at Bellamy defiantly and shook her head, biting back a grin. Just as Bellamy seemed about to give in and let Clarke help him, a long yawn escaped Clarke’s lips.

Bellamy smiled down at her triumphantly, knowing she had just proven his point. He reached out take the pile of dirty dishes from Clarke’s hands and ended startling her in the process, and caused her jump back a little.

“Woah,” Bellamy exclaimed.

“Sorry,” Clarke mumbled, gripping the pile of dishes tighter. “Maybe I am a little out of it.”

“That you are,” Bellamy agreed. 

His hands had shot out to hold Clarke by her elbows, to help her regain her balance. Once he made sure Clarke was okay his hands found their way to her hips once again. Clarke exhaled a nervous breath and met his gaze. Something in his eyes had shifted, they were dark and hypnotizing, and Clarke found herself leaning towards him. Encouraged by her move Bellamy tentatively pulled her a little closer, until the back of her hands were touching the front of his shirt. His hands gave her hips a lingering squeeze, his fingers digging into her flesh, and Clarke almost dropped the pile of dishes on his lap.

It was such a harmless gesture. Something he probably used to do all the time. Yet Clarke felt an electric current running through her the moment his thumb grazed the sliver of skin where her shirt had ridden up.

“Y-yeah,” Clarke stammered, suddenly overwhelmed by his nearness, “I am kind of tired.”

Much too quickly, Clarke stepped away from Bellamy and put the dishes on top of the table. She yearned for the safety of her bedroom. Whatever feelings Bellamy had just stirred up she was _not_ about to face head on right now. 

If it weren’t for the look she chanced over her shoulder, she would’ve missed the confused yet genuine smile gracing Bellamy’s mouth. He’d clearly felt it too, whatever had just transpired, and apparently it made him happy. Clarke wished she could feel the same. Mostly, she was confused.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following morning Clarke is woken up by the sound of soft footsteps moving around the bedroom. She burrowed deeper into the covers and rolled to to the edge of the bed when she felt the bed shift beneath her. Clarke instinctively moved closer, seeking the warmth of the body sitting next to her. 

“Clarke?” Came Bellamy’s soft whisper.

“Hmm,” Clarke mumbled sleepily.

“I came to talk to you last night but you were asleep already. So much for not being tired,” He snorted. 

Clarke wrinkled her nose and heard Bellamy’s chuckle.

“Listen, I have to go back to work. I got you a new cellphone and apartment keys, they’re on top of the dresser. Raven’s dropping by later today to take you to your doctor’s appointment. I’ll try to make it home during my lunch break so we can eat together, but in case I don’t there’s some lasagna in the fridge from yesterday.”

“Mmkay,” Clarke yawned.

As she was starting to fall back asleep she felt the pressure of soft lips against her forehead and a murmured, _See you later, princess._

A couple of hours later Clarke found herself being woken up again. Only this time around she wasn’t woken by soft whispers and a gentle kiss to her forehead. But rather by a loud voice and firm poking from a very animated Raven telling her to get her butt out of bed. 

“I’m convalescent, Raven. I need sleep,” Clarke whined from underneath the covers.

Raven tsked and ripped the comforter out of Clarke’s strong hold. Clarke moaned and hugged her legs to her chest, curling into a fetal position.

“You said you wanted to get your life back on track. This is how we start, by going to your doctor’s appointment.”

“I don’t wanna-” Clarke started only to shriek when Raven jumped on the bed and threw herself over her.

“Up and at ‘em, Griffin,” Raven barked in her ear. “Get dressed, I’ll make you some breakfast.”

With no other choice, Clarke dragged herself out of bed and stomped her way into the bathroom. For what was probably the hundredth time in the last couple of days she found herself wondering how in the world she and Raven ended up being such good friends. Then she tiptoed her way to the kitchen and spied on Raven as this one blasted a song from her cellphone and danced around the kitchen isle. _That’s probably why._ Clarke thought to herself. She knew Raven was right, but she really wasn’t in the mood for doctors. There were a lot of other things plaguing her thoughts. Like how in the world was she supposed to step back into a romantic relationship with Bellamy when she still felt kind of shy around him? They were married for Christ’s sake, and that wasn’t even the most of it. She couldn’t stop thinking about what she was supposed to do with her life now. It’s wasn’t as if she could just go back to work at the hospital, years of schooling and experience were gone from her memory. She remembered most of the basics, given that medicine was something that interested her from a young age, but the rest of it was gone. _How was she supposed to live again?_

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay, Ms. Griffin, Doctor Nyko will be back to go over your results in a few minutes.” 

Clarke nodded her thanks to the nurse and waited for her to leave the room before rubbing her stomach.

“Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Clarke moaned. “I don’t know if it’s the nerves, the breakfast burrito or your driving.” 

“You shut your mouth, Griffin. My breakfast burritos are heavenly, the only reason you’re feeling sick is because of the way you scarfed them down. One would think Bellamy is starving you or something.” Raven glared at her and went back to reading her magazine. 

“They _were_ pretty amazing.” Clarke smirked, earning a smug smile from her friend in return.

Raven had fixed the two of them breakfast and she had been so enthusiastic about it, they had ended up running late for Clarke’s appointment. Which was why Clarke had ‘scarfed down her breakfast’ as Raven pointed out. 

Their banter was cut short when the door to the office opened and Clarke’s doctor, Nyko stepped in. He greeted both women cheerfully and got down to business. 

“Clarke, I must say, I am impressed by how rapidly you’re improving. Your blood work came out clear, and according to the scans the swelling in your brain is almost completely gone,” he offered, reading from the chart in his hands. “If things keep progressing this way there should be nothing for us to worry about as far as permanent damage due to the lesions. You’re recuperating rapidly, which is rare in cases like yours.” 

His positive diagnosis prompted Clarke to release the nervous breath she had been holding, and suddenly the knot that had settled in her stomach since earlier loosened up a bit. 

“Tell me, have you remembered anything yet?” Nyko asked, looking up from the chart. 

“Snippets of things,” Clarke started unsure, “they always come to me while I’m asleep or waking up so most of the time I’m not even sure whether they’re memories at all or just dreams.” 

“Hmm,” Nyko mumbled thoughtfully, “if it helps, you could always ask your family and friends to corroborate some of the memories for you. It could be a good way for you to start learning how to differentiate between what really happened and what didn’t. Have you thought of going back to work?” 

Clarke nodded and fiddled with the hem of her sweater. “It did cross my mind, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable. I mean, what’s the point in going back when I can’t remember anything from med school or any of my co workers? It would be like starting over… I don’t think I’m ready,” She finished softly. 

Nyko nodded with understanding before exchanging a look with Raven. 

“That’s okay, don’t rush things if you’re not comfortable. I do think it would be for the best if you started to work on something else, keep yourself busy. Did you have any pastimes?” 

Clarke held the bag sitting in her lap a little closer; the sketchbook she had taken to carrying around with her suddenly feeling heavier. 

“What about therapy?” Raven interjected. 

“Raven,” Clarke groaned only to be shushed by her friend. 

Nyko shook his head amused. 

“I was getting to that, actually,” He chuckled. “Raven is right Clarke, it is advised for survivor patients like yourself to attend therapy. It will only help you on your road to recovery. I could refer you to someone if you’d like?” 

Clarke glanced at Raven and saw her nodding encouragingly. 

“Fine! Who do you got?” Clarke sighed, resigned. 

“There’s this one guy everyone talks about. Hold on I have his card somewhere.” Nyko rummaged through his desk drawer until he found the card. “Here it is, Dr. John Murphy.” 

“Oh HELL NO!” 

“There is no way-” 

Raven and Clarke said simultaneously. 

“I take it you you guys know him?” Nyko asked with a frown. 

“I went to High School with him. The few memories I do have from him are not very pleasant.” Clarke grimaced. 

“You also went to college together. Trust me, the guy’s still an ass,” Raven offered, her lips curling in distaste. 

Nyko scratched his neck awkwardly. 

“Okay,” He drawled. “You still need a therapist, Clarke. Try to find someone you’re comfortable with and please send me their info as soon as you find them. I need to send over your file before your first appointment.” 

When the appointment was finally over Nyko saw them out and Raven suggested Clarke accompany her to drop off some blue prints from her latest project. It was not lost on Clarke Raven was trying to distract her until it was time for her to meet Bellamy for lunch. And what a welcome distraction it was. If left to her own devices Clarke was sure she would go back to overthinking everything. It wasn’t something she wanted to go through at the moment, her anxiety levels were through the roof as it was. Raven drove them around the city all morning, complaining about her annoying coworkers and the latest shenanigans at the Reyes’ family dinner. Her running commentary never failed to make Clarke feel as if she was watching each tale unfolding before her eyes. 

“Earth to Griffiiiiin,” Raven singsonged. 

Clarke had been so wrapped up on the stories she didn’t even notice they had arrived at the university. Raven shooed Clarke out of her car and reminded her she still needed to find a therapist. She also told her to please tell Bellamy he had to return her leather jacket in pristine condition otherwise she would murder him and make Clarke a very young widow. 

It was only after Raven had sped away from the parking lot that Clarke realized her friend never told her the way to Bellamy’s office. Suddenly the chatter from the students passing by seemed to turn into buzzing in her ears. 

“Okay, Clarke. You can do this,” Clarke whispered to herself, willing the panic rising in her throat to go back down. She took a deep breath and looked at her surroundings until she found the signs which led her to the faculty building. As she entered the building Clarke literally ran into a leggy and exotic looking brunette who apparently seemed to know her. 

“Clarke, hi! I didn’t think I’d see you in a while,” The woman said not unkindly. 

Clarke regarded the woman in front of her in confusion until she smacked herself in the forehead. 

“Of course! I’m such an idiot, your memory. I’m Echo, Bellamy’s teaching assistant,” Echo smiled offering her hand. 

“Oh, hi.” Clarke smiled and proceeded to shake Echo’s hand. 

“You must be looking for Bellamy, here, let me take you to him.” 

Without waiting for Clarke’s answer, Echo turned around and led her down the hallway. She attempted to make small talk, throwing airy smiles over her shoulder at Clarke, but Clarke wasn’t really in the mood for talking. She couldn’t help but wonder why she felt so uncomfortable all of the sudden next to the woman, and when they finally arrived to what must have been Bellamy’s door Clarke was flooded with relief. Echo rapped her knuckles rapidly over the door and stepped into the room when Bellamy’s raspy voice called for her to come in. 

He was sitting at his desk surrounded by papers, a pair of reading glasses perched over his nose. He looked so unlike himself Clarke paused at the door to really take him in. Bellamy seemed to be arguing with someone over the phone and ran a hand through his hair, making his unruly curls tumble over his forehead. _There_ , Clarke thought. _Much better_. She didn’t miss the way her heartbeat stuttered at the sight. 

Bellamy huffed an annoyed breath and ran a hand down his face, hanging up his phone and looking up to see who interrupted him. His annoyance was gone the moment he realized it was Echo at the door. The smile he threw Echo’s way made Clarke feel as if there was some creature clawing at her stomach from the inside out, and uneasiness settled over her like a dark cloud. The feeling, however, was soon gone when Bellamy’s eyes landed on her and his smile turned a thousand times brighter. 

“Clarke,” He breathed. “What are you doing here?” 

Clarke stepped further into the room and within seconds found herself enveloped by her husband’s arms. His lips settled over her forehead and Clarke melted even further into their embrace. 

He barely glanced at Echo as he said his thanks for bringing Clarke to hi, and the woman smiled a way too fake smile before leaving his office. If Clarke felt a bit smug about the way Bellamy only had eyes for her, she doesn’t mention it. 

“Why are you grinning?” Bellamy asked, a smile tugging at his lips. 

“Nothing,” Clarke said innocently. 

“Uh huh,” Bellamy offered, his eyes narrowed. “Whatever you say, princess. Let get my things so we can go grab a bite. You eat anything yet?” 

Clarke stepped closer to his desk, where he was now packing his things. 

“Actually, Raven and I stopped by a cafe earlier, and I bought us lunch.” Clarke said shyly, bringing forward the paper bag she had been holding behind her back. 

Bellamy smiled and walked back towards her, grabbing the offered bag from her hands. 

“I didn’t know what to get you, but I went with my gut. Hope you like it,” Clarke said nervously. 

Bellamy gingerly opened the bag and his eye widened upon seeing its contents. 

“A chorizo pear panini?” He asked, lips pursed. 

“Y-yeah, do you not like it?” Clarke answered unsure. 

Bellamy brought the paper bag closer to his face and inhaled the heavenly smells of its contents. He looked down at Clarke with an excited grin. His giddiness was so infectious Clarke found herself grinning back. 

“Why are you so smiley about it,” She laughed. 

Bellamy shrugged and perched on his desk, taking a nonchalant bite out of his sandwich. 

“Nothing,” He started innocently. “It just happens this is my favorite panini, and it seems to be you actually remembered that.” 

“Really?” Clarke exclaimed surprised, rushing to sit on the chair by Bellamy’s desk. 

He nodded and Clarke shrieked before slapping his leg excitedly. Her happiness disappeared all too quick, and Bellamy noticed the shift in her mood. 

“Hey, princess, why the gloomy face all of the sudden?” he asked after swallowing a bite of his sandwich. 

“Nothing, it’s stupid,” Clarke said, picking at her nails and not quite meeting his eyes. 

“Try me,” Bellamy with a raised eyebrow. 

“It’s just- I can remember what panini you like, without even trying, but not any of the other important things. How ridiculous is that,” Clarke said hurriedly. 

Bellamy sighed and set his lunch aside. He reached for Clarke’s hand and pulled her up towards him, bringing her to stand between his legs. 

“Hey,” Bellamy murmured, holding her chin and making her meet his gaze. “Don’t think of this as a failure. This is actually progress. We’re doing this one step at a time, remember?" 

Clarke exhaled and finally met his eyes before nodding. He was right. She should have been looking at the positive side of things. Still, she felt pretty out of her element. Clarke worried at her lower lip and noticed how Bellamy’s eyes strayed to her mouth. Realizing he’d been caught, Bellamy muttered _fuck it_ and leaned towards Clarke. She braced herself for what would surely be a kiss, when the sound of a rumbling stomach pulled them out of their haze. 

“Ugh, whyyyyy,” Bellamy groaned, causing Clarke to break into a fit of giggles. 

He looked torn, his eyes shifting from Clarke to the paper bag sitting on his desk. Probably thinking which of his two hungers he wished to satiate first. 

“Just eat your lunch,” Clarke laughed, patting Bellamy’s chest and stepping away from him, urging Bellamy to finish his meal until he finally gave in went back to his sandwich. 

She sat back down and crossed her legs, willing her heart to stop hammering away in her chest. She wasn’t supposed to be reacting like this to him. Okay, technically she was. They were married after all. But she didn’t remember any of it. So why did she find herself wishing for him to reach for her instead? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello m'dears I am back. It's been waaaay to long, I know, but real life has prohibited me from writing. Adulting is so hard. Anyways, here is chapter 6 I hope you guys enjoyed it. Things are starting to move along for Clarke and Bellamy. She's just starting to feel a bit more comfortable and getting used to the idea of them as a couple. I hope this chapter didn't feel to OOC. Let me know what you thought in the comments section and remember, reviews gimme life and feed inspiration!


	7. Chapter 7 - Final version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gang shenanigans, _Oh Shit_ moments, and important realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it is Wednesday and I come bearing gifts. I was planning on posting this after tonight's episode but I couldn't wait any more so I'm posting it now. 
> 
> As I had mentioned, I decided to go for a rewrite of chapter 7. I finally feel like the story is taking shape, and going down the road I had originally intended for it to go. To get a new feel of how the story will be from now on feel free to do a reread. I'm very proud of how this chapter turned out, and I hope you like it as well. The rewrite ended up being kind of a monster chapter. 
> 
> *runs and hides*

To say Bellamy was on cloud nine the days following Clarke’s visit to his office would be an understatement. From that day onwards, he noticed changes in her behavior. She finally started to sleep through the night without any nightmares and wasn’t as quiet as she had been when she first moved in. He could also tell she was making an effort to hang out with their family and friends whenever she had the chance, as opposed to how she tended to distance herself from them in the beginning.

It was great, really. However, Bellamy thought it would be even better if her new attitude applied to him as well. 

Clarke wasn’t ignoring him per se, but Bellamy noticed how she managed to stealthily avoid being completely alone with him whenever she had the chance. She interacted with him and held normal conversations on a daily basis; they lived together after all. When things started to get a little personal, though, her walls came back up. One minute she was warm and open, the next she’d go quiet and drift away. Her mood swings were seriously starting to give him whiplash. 

There were times he would catch her watching him in silence with a frown in her face, as if he was a puzzle she had difficulty putting together. He would ask her what was wrong and she’d immediately shut down, saying it was nothing. Bellamy didn’t know what else to do to make her feel more comfortable. Maybe hoping things would ever go back to the way they used to be was a stupid notion. Thinking about it all only served to make Bellamy anxious so he opted to push those thoughts to the back of his mind for some other time.

“Bellamy have you seen my sweater?” Came Clarke’s voice from the bedroom.

 _Some things never change_. He thought with a smile.

Clarke had been fluttering around the apartment since early morning, constantly looking for stuff to do and keep her occupied. She claimed she was doing it out of boredom, but Bellamy knew it had more to do with the fact she was not ready to talk about what happened between them yet. Since Clarke was on edge, so was Bellamy. He had always been very attuned to her moods, it was one of the things Raven always made fun of them for. 

Thankfully, a break from her restlessness came in the form of Octavia and Lincoln. His sister had visited them earlier in the day, which made Clarke very happy since she loved having baby Kaia over. Unfortunately it did not last long, around midday Lincoln decided it was time to head home when the baby started to get fussy. 

The gang had originally planned a gathering for the afternoon, but Jasper was stuck at work so that only left Monty, Miller, and Raven for their little soiree. 

As he prepped the grill for their barbeque, Bellamy’s thoughts strayed to the almost kiss incident in his office three weeks ago. After he had gone back to eating his lunch, Clarke told him about her day with Raven and her doctor’s visit.

_“Now all I need to do is find a therapist to start my sessions. Nyko says that should increase my chances of recovery even more. Can you believe, though, he actually recommended John Murphy to be my therapist? How is that even an option! I mean, you can’t deny the guy was a bit unhinged during his late teens. People could barely stand him. How is it that he is now a therapist people keep raving about?”_

_Bellamy had simply shrugged and nearly choked when she muttered how much of an ass Murphy had been to her in high school. Her disbelief and confusion amused him to no end._

_“People change, Clarke. You should know that better than anyone. You did end up marrying me after all. What was it you used to call me, resident douche bag number one?” Bellamy said with a teasing grin._

_“Touché.” Clarke offered with a raised eyebrow, barely able to hold back a smile._

_“Seriously, Clarke. Murphy has actually turned over a new leaf. Believe it or not. This may sound unbelievable to you, but the last time you guys interacted you were getting kinda chummy. I thought Raven was going to burst a vein just witnessing that.”_

_“Yeah, well, I’m still not sold on that one.” Clarke huffed leaning back into the chair._

_“If you don’t feel comfortable seeing him as your therapist I could look into getting you an appointment with someone else. There’s this new guy at the faculty, he’s been running the psych department for a few months now and happens to have his own practice. I don’t know him that well but from what I’ve seen he seems to be a decent guy.”_

_“That would be great, thanks.” Clarke had smiled._

“Found it!” Clarke exclaimed stepping out onto the terrace.

Bellamy turned around and swallowed at the sight. She was wearing a dark button up sweater over a clingy white tank top and black tights. He considered telling her it was actually _his_ sweater but decided not to. He always loved seeing her wear his clothes, the fact that even without her memories Clarke seemed to go back into her old clothe-stealing schemes pleased him greatly. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, really. Still, Bellamy found himself devouring her with his eyes. If Octavia had been there she would have probably made a jab about it and tell him to stop drooling.

Noticing his ogling, Clarke cleared her throat and ducked her head, biting her lower lip.

“Raven’s already downstairs. We’re going to buy the rest of the things we need for the barbeque. You sure you don’t want me to stay and help you set up?” 

Bellamy almost told her that yes, he wanted her to stay. But he knew she needed a break, and honestly? So did he. There was only so much he could do to make her feel more at ease with him. Clearly, there was still something holding her back. 

“Nah, I’m on it. Miller and Monty will be here soon anyways.”

As if on cue, Monty and Miller stepped through their front door with a wailing Gia.

“How did you guys get in?” Clarke asked with a frown.

Monty raised his hand and dangled a set of keys by way of explanation. 

“Someone needs a diaper change.” Miller commented while trying to soothe the crying toddler.

“Go figure, she’s just like you when you haven’t taken dump.” Bellamy teased earning a giggle from Clarke and a glare from Miller. 

“It’s okay sweetie, come here.” Clarke crooned. 

She reached for the little girl and smiled when Gia went willingly into her arms, burrowing deeper into Clarke’s embrace. 

“I thought you guys were potty training her.” Bellamy asked while making silly faces at the little girl.

“Still a work in progress. It’s like she’s scared of her potty seat. I honestly don’t get it.” Monty said with a confused shake of his head.

“I’d be scared too. That thing is creepy as hell.” Miller started, “I don’t know why you won’t let me throw it away.” 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed Bellamy and Clarke a picture of Monty holding a screaming Gia by her armpits over a potty training seat with a creepy smiling face painted on the back. “See?”

“Okay. First of all, it is not creepy it’s _cute_. Second of all, it was a present from my mom. What am I supposed to tell her if she shows up to the house and doesn’t see it?”

“That’s unfair. You made me throw away the onesie my cousin from Idaho sent her for her first birthday.” Miller countered.

“That’s different. I was not going to have my baby going around wearing a onesie that says ‘Idaho, No I da baby’.”

Bellamy choked on his drink and Clarke coughed trying to mask a laugh.

“Now _that_ was funny.” Miller reminisced, cracking a smile.

Bellamy and Clarke exchanged a look, barely able to hold back their laughter. It was always like this with them. Bellamy was obviously used to it but Clarke was taking everything in as if it was the first time she watched one of Miller and Monty’s arguments. Which technically? She was.

“Do you want me to change her diaper?” Clarke asked Monty. 

She swayed Gia in her arms causing the little girl to burst into giggles and reach for her hair. Clarke held onto one of Gia’s hands and pulled her closer, dropping butterfly kisses on her chubby cheeks. Their innocent exchange made Bellamy feel as if he’d been sucker-punched.

Not too long ago having kids with Clarke was something he’d often thought about. Now with everything that had transpired, he wasn’t sure it was even a possibility anymore. 

Monty shook his head at Clarke’s question and signaled Miller to reach for Gia. 

“I got it.” Miller sighed.

“Raven’s already getting impatient, said to tell you to get your ass downstairs.”

Finding herself once again in her father’s arms, Gia let out a happy shriek and reached for Miller’s beard.

“Just go and get us some alcohol, we’re definitely going to need it.” Monty said with a laugh.

Clarke rolled her eyes good-naturedly and ran to get her purse, throwing a ‘see you guys later’ over her shoulder as she left the apartment. 

Miller and Monty helped Bellamy get everything for ready for the barbeque, even when there wasn’t much they could actually do with a two year old wobbling at their heels. In the end, Bellamy gave up and took a hold of Gia while he finished tidying everything up. 

Once they were pleased with their work, the guys put the kid to sleep and retired to the terrace to have some drinks.

Monty and Miller fell back onto the couch with tired sighs and turned to stare at Bellamy expectantly. Bellamy stared back at them, taking a swig of his beer.

“What?” He asked with a frown, uncomfortable under their scrutiny.

“I can’t even with him right now.” Miller said, throwing his hands up before reaching for his own drink.

Monty sighed and patted his husband’s knee. “I think what Nathan’s trying to say is, how are things working out with Clarke?”

Bellamy sighed, scratching his head. 

“She’s doing better,” he breathed, “she’s been opening up to everyone and trying to adjust. Raven’s here almost everyday which I think has helped Clarke a lot. I saw her looking into some art classes.She refuses to even mention going back to the hospital for now, though.”

“That’s understandable.” Monty offered with an understanding nod.

Bellamy leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and dragged a hand through his hair before saying softly, “I don’t know. I thought there would be more progress by now. We’ve been living together for almost a month and she’s still dodging me. Sometimes she’ll talk to me and when I look at her I swear I’m staring at the old Clarke. Like she’s looking at me the way she used to.”

Bellamy’s thoughts turned to their almost kiss and he ran his index finger over his lower lip, unaware of his actions.

“I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. Things have been _interesting_ to say the least,” he finished with a small smile.

“Really? Define interesting.” Miller asked intrigued.

“It’s nothing, really,” Bellamy said with a shake of his head.

His friends gave him mirrored “give me a break” expressions and Bellamy hung his head in defeat.

“Clarke and I almost kissed a few days ago.” He confessed, opting to bite the inside of his cheek instead of acknowledging their open-mouthed stares.

“Get the fuck outta here.” Miller hooted.

“That’s awesome, Bellamy.” Monty laughed.

“Come on, guys, it’s not that big of a deal. We were in my office, totally feeling the moment and then my stupid stomach growled and it all went to shit. Clarke merely smiled at me and made me eat my lunch instead of- ugh. I don’t even want to remember. She’s been weird about it ever since, too.”

“Don’t take it too hard, man. She’s probably embarrassed or something.” Miller said with a shrug.

“Embarrassed, right. That certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. She’s got nothing to be embarrassed about.” Bellamy huffed.

“Her embarrassment might actually be a good thing.” Monty said with a grin. “It means that she cares, she’s actually _feeling_ things for you.”

“Monty’s kinda right” Miller said, giving Monty a proud smile. “You know feelings always raise the stakes, especially when it comes to Clarke.” 

“Exactly!” Monty agreed. “You know how Clarke is more than anyone, Bellamy. She assesses every situation before making a decision. She’s probably thinking of what her next step will be right about now.”

 _Huh_. Bellamy thought. Maybe his friends were right. He pondered their words and felt his spirits lift until Monty said something that made him worry again.

“Still, I think it’s best for you to prepare yourself. From what I hear, Clarke has kind of turned back into who she used be when we were younger. When Clarke did stuff like this back in the day whatever decision she ended up making tended to flip the entire scheme of things.”

Bellamy blanched at the thought.

“Don’t say stuff like that, Monty. You’re scaring him.” Miller chastised Monty.

Monty shrugged at Miller’s reprimand, saying he was only telling the truth. Their conversation was cut short when they heard the rattling of the front door followed by Raven’s shouting.  
The brunette stepped onto the terrace and proceeded to greet each of them with hugs and kisses before plopping herself down right in between Monty and Miller, leaving Clarke standing awkwardly by the terrace door. 

Bellamy saw Raven elbow Monty and tilting her head in Clarke’s direction with a smirk. Monty nodded in understanding and opened his arms exaggeratedly. 

“Clarke, where are our hugs? You didn’t greet us properly earlier.”

Miller, quickly catching up on their scheme, joined in. “Yeah, Clarke. Physical contact. Isn’t it part of your recovery process?”

Clarke let out a nervous laugh and shyly went over to Monty, who made a big show of hugging her back when she leaned over him. 

“Yes, I missed these a lot.” Monty sighed, “You’re such a great hugger.”

Clarke snorted and moved over to hug Miller too. 

“What about Bellamy’s hug?” Raven teased, taking a swig from her beer.

Bellamy studied Clarke from underneath his eyelashes, mouth quirked up at the corners in challenge.

It was a test of sorts, and a stupid one at that, he knew. Why did it matter whether she choose to hug him or not? And yet, Bellamy held his breath, waiting to see what she would do. Their friends knew what was at stake here too. Bellamy resisted the urge to roll his eyes when, out of the corner of his vision, he saw Monty, Raven, and Miller slowly lean forward in their seats waiting for Clarke’s next move. 

“Well?” Raven insisted, eyebrows raised.

Clarke pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear and locked eyes with Bellamy; droves of emotions flashing across her face until her facial expression settled on one Bellamy knew very well, it was dread. He’d made her feel that way. Her face flooded crimson under their scrutiny and Bellamy started to feel guilty for having put her in that position. 

“Come on, Raven.” Bellamy started, getting up from his chair. “Don’t push her-”

“It’s okay.” Clarke interjected, causing Bellamy to turn towards her surprised.

Gone was the dread which had marred her features seconds before. There was a look of pure determination in her eyes now. Clarke walked closer until she was standing in front of him and strategically placed her arms round his waist, never breaking eye contact with him. Bellamy let out a shallow breath and Clarke, encouraged by his reaction, decided to place her head on his chest.

Bellamy tentatively brought his arms around her and exhaled when she didn’t react negatively. Over in the couch Miller, Monty, and Raven high fived each other. Again, Bellamy was reminded of the fact his friends were a bunch of dorks. 

“They’re high fiving each other, aren't they?” Clarke asked, low enough only Bellamy could hear. She was staring up at him now.

At Bellamy’s amused look Clarke nodded and then grew still. She was giving him that look again, the one she usually had before distancing herself from him. 

_Please don’t, not again._ Bellamy braced himself, waiting for Clarke to push him back, and nearly toppled over when she did the complete opposite.

Clarke quickly got up on her tiptoes kissed the corner of his mouth. Bellamy reacted just in time to see Miller do a spit take and Monty slapping a gawking Raven in the arm. 

Coming to the realization of what she’d just done Clarke pulled away, an angry blush spreading over her face, pushing Bellamy a little too roughly in the process.

“I- I’m sorry.” She stammered, backing further away from him.

“No, it’s fine,” Bellamy started to reassure her, reaching for her.

“I didn't mean to.” Clarke whispered.

Bellamy froze and Clarke’s eyes widened, realizing how her words had come across.

“Wait, that’s not what-”

“It’s fine,” Bellamy waved her off, trying and failing to hide his discomfort. “Of course you didn't mean to.” he murmured to himself.

She didn't see him like that, not anymore. He understood. The doctors explained this would all be very confusing for her; for both of them. He was doing his best to support her, but damn if it didn’t feel like he was being stabbed in the chest every time something like this happened. 

Clarke started to apologize again when Raven, _bless her_ , was quick in her thinking and managed to dissipate the awkward tension.

“Bellamy, why don’t you get started on the grill while we take care of the groceries.” 

She stood up and dragged Clarke towards the kitchen while Monty and Miller shot up of from their seats and made a beeline for the front door to get the groceries from Raven’s car. Leaving Bellamy standing alone wondering why in the world he thought this was a good idea.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

As soon as they reached the kitchen, Clarke grabbed a cold water bottle from the fridge and placed her against her cheek. _Ugh, what just happened?_

“That’s what I’d like to know.” Raven mused. 

It was only then Clarke realized she had spoken out loud.

“What was that all about, are you okay?”

“Yes,” Clarke assured her. “I’m fine, really. It was just a little overwhelming, considering.”

“Considering what, all you had to do was hug him? The kiss stunt was all you, though. What’s overwhelming about that anyways? _Unless…_ ”

“Unless what?” Clarke said shiftily.

“ _Unless_ , something happened between you guys you have not told me about.”

Clarke took a gulp from her water bottle and avoided looking at Raven, who crossed her arms and stepped in Clarke’s line of vision with a raised eyebrow. Clarke groaned in defeat, prompting a triumphant smirk from Raven. _Leave it to Raven to be able to get a confession out of someone by glaring them into submission_. Clarke thought.

“Okay, something _did_ happen.”

“ _No mames, chica_!” Raven barked, grabbing Clarke by the shoulders and giving her a little shake.

Clarke jumped back startled and winced when Bellamy’s voice drifted in from outside asking if everything was okay.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Clarke answered nervously, pinching Raven’s arm in retaliation.

“Ouch, sorry.” Raven whimpered, rubbing her arm. “But seriously, spill. How was it?”

“How was what?” Clarke asked thrown off by the question.

“The _sex_ , you dummy. Was it as good as you don’t remember?”

Clarke blinked at Raven, mouth agape. It took her a minute to process why Raven came to the conclusion she had slept with Bellamy. Once she did, Clarke could only laugh, missing half of what Raven said, until her friend’s next words brought her to a halt.

“-Because we both know he’s pretty good in the sack.”

“W-wait, what?” Clarke questioned her, a heavy feeling settling on her stomach.

Raven’s playful grin slipped off her face and she backtracked, having realized what she had just said. She gave Clarke an uncomfortable smile.

“I mean, from what you've told me. That's how I know.” Raven offered by way of explanation.

Clarke nodded, unsure. “Right.” Raven’s answer didn’t really sit with her, but she decided to let it go, not knowing the comment would be nagging her on the back of her mind for days to come.

Raven rocked back on her heels and stepped closer to Clarke; giving her friend a careful look to make sure they were okay. Clarke’s small smile was enough of an answer and Raven exhaled in relief, gifting Clarke a hopeful smile.

“Now, you gonna tell me what really happened between you guys?” 

Clarke let it all out; she told Raven about the jealousy that overcame her when she set eyes on Echo, of how the ugly green monster disappeared when she heard the way Bellamy said her name. She told her friend of the smugness she felt at knowing Bellamy only had eyes for her, and finally Clarke told her of how she found herself regretting not going in for that kiss.

“If you felt so strongly, why did you just freak out about a mere kiss on the cheek?”

“I don't know.” Clarke groaned, rubbing at her temples.

The headaches were coming back. She noticed they tended to return if she was under pressure.

Raven looked down, her shoulders shaking with silent mirth, and brought a hand to her chest. 

“Amnesia or not, you guys are as extra as always.” She gasped between breaths.

Clarke felt her face flood with embarrassment and gently shoved Raven. 

“Stop it!” She grumbled.

“No, seriously. This is like watching a rerun of the ‘romantic Bellarke’ early days. After going through the conflictive and sexual tension stages, you guys were all rainbows and puppies. And by that I mean rainbows pouring out of your mouth whenever Bellamy was near and him following you around like a hungry puppy. You're clearly on the right track to becoming your old self.”

“I don’t know, Raven. This is all so confusing for me. I can't remember anything of my life with him, but it's like my body remembers _everything_. And it fucking sucks because I know it's hurting him, and I don't want that.” Clarke fretted, fighting her sudden urge to cry.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Raven soothed her, pulling Clarke into a side hug.“No need to get frustrated, babe. This is all working towards a goal. The fact that you’re allowing yourself to feel like this is a good thing. You’re actually trying to get to learn from your old life, and that’s fucking great, if I do say so myself. Don’t let your negative emotions get the best of you. And even if you find yourself too overwhelmed, don’t sweat it. It’s okay to give in into one’s most primal and emotional feelings from time to time. The old Clarke knew that, and, soon, so will you. It’s okay to lose control sometimes and just let yourself feel these things. Trust me, it’s very cathartic.”

“You think so?” Clarke sniffed.

“ _Absolutely_. The next time, when you start to feel your emotions bubbling up underneath the surface, let them. Let old Clarke’s emotions make an appearance. You never know, she might surprise you and give you the answers you’re looking for.”

“Wow.” Clarke breathed. “That was _something_.”

“I _know_ , right?” Raven laughed. “I got this whole therapy thing in the bag. If Murphy can do it so can I,” she finished confidently.

Clarke cracked a smile and Raven’s joking demeanor softened. 

“Joking aside, you good now?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Clarke nodded. 

With one last squeeze Raven let go of Clarke and returned to the terrace with the others.

 _My old self_. Clarke thought to herself.

The idea sounded appealing. The old Clarke had her memories, she was free of all inhibitions and problems when it came to Bellamy. How easy would it be to pretend to be that Clarke again? To just give in, fling herself at him and let the muscle memory from her body recall their love making? That way she could at least stop being so damn horny, her body was seriously getting out of control. 

She couldn't give in to her urges, though. At least not yet.

Her body wanted Bellamy. Their physical connection was through the roof, sure, but what of everything else? What if she couldn’t bring herself to love him? What if she couldn’t give him the life they used to have? It wouldn't be fair to herself, but most importantly, it wouldn't be fair to Bellamy.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

For what must had been the hundredth time, Bellamy looked at where Clarke and Raven sat having a hushed conversation. Since the moment they returned from their conversation in the kitchen Bellamy had been on edge, waiting for the right time to pull Clarke aside and apologize for his little stunt earlier. Every time he tried to approach Clarke, though, she would either turn away from him to get a drink, escape to the bathroom, or use Gia as a human shield; anything to avoid being alone with him. 

Had he really upset her that much? Raven assured him everything was fine, but if Clarke’s behavior was anything to go by, it clearly wasn’t. 

Raven’s laughter pulled him out of his thoughts and Bellamy focused back on his friends. The group talked about their weeks, catching up on the latest developments in their lives. Miller called out Raven, saying she loved to meddle in their affairs but refused when they tried to help her.

“That’s because I have my affairs in order, Nate. My life is great as it is, wouldn’t have it any other way.” Raven sassed.

Miller accepted her response with a shake of his head and a smile, going back to their previous conversation. Bellamy on the other hand, did not miss the way Raven’s smug smile turned into one of melancholy. He knew Clarke’s current situation had affected her, almost as much as it had affected him, but he’d been watching Raven for a while now. The subtle change in her had started months before Clarke’s accident. Whenever he’d try to talk to her about it she’d wave him away and change the subject. Bellamy made a mental note to tell Clarke about it later, maybe Raven would open up to her.

“Alright,I think it’s time to go.” Miller yawned. “It’s getting late and I have still have to go over a case. Got a trial in two days.”

“I’ll got get Gia.” Monty murmured, patting Miller’s leg.

Raven and Clarke began to pick up the plates while Bellamy and Miller packed up all the trash. They finished tidying things up and Bellamy walked them to the door. Gia was asleep on Monty’s arms sucking on her thumb.

Bellamy caressed her cheek and sighed, “She’s too damn cute.”

Miller chuckled as he clapped Bellamy’s back. 

“I know. Kids are a handful and parenting drives you insane ninety five percent of the time. But during moments like these? It all seems worth it, at least to me. Take care man, talk to you later.”

“See ya.”

Hearing footsteps behind him, Bellamy turned around and came face to face with Raven. She was putting on her jacket, lips pursed. He took a deep breath and chanced a look to the kitchen, making sure Clarke wasn’t nearby.

“Okay, on a scale from one to ten how screwed am I?” Bellamy asked anxiously.

“Ugh, stop being so worried. I told you she’s fine. If anything, I think she feels more guilty than you do. You didn’t do anything wrong. What happened earlier had nothing to do with you.”

“Raven, come on. You saw her-” 

“Zip it, Blake. Stop whining,” she grunted. “Now go and help Clarke, I’ll see myself out.” 

Raven pushed Bellamy, urging him to leave her alone and go see Clarke. He took a deep breath headed to kitchen only to find Clarke doing the dishes.

“Need some help?” He asked, his tone hopeful.

Clarke looked up from the sink in his direction with guarded eyes.

“Ah- no, that’s fine. I’m almost done anyways, but thanks.”

“Okay.” Bellamy grunted.

Disappointment flooded him as he stood outside the kitchen’s entrance watching her work. How had he managed to put a dent on all the progress they’d made on the past couple of days? 

When it was clear she would not to talk to him, he pushed himself off the wall and began to leave when her voice stopped him.

“You could dry the dishes if you want?”

Bellamy released the breath he’d been holding and walked towards Clarke, taking the towel she handed him. 

“About earlier, I’m sorry.” Clarke offered softly, getting Bellamy’s attention.

“You don’t have to apologize.” 

“I want to. When I said ‘I didn’t meant to’ what I really wanted to say was I didn’t mean to push you like that. My emotions are on overdrive and my mind and body are not exactly working together right now.”

“Really? I didn’t notice at all.” He joked, earning a playful shove from Clarke.

“I’m serious, Bellamy. I don’t want you to feel like I’m leading you on or anything like that. The physical attraction is there _believe me_.” Bellamy chuckled at that. “ I just don’t want to end up doing something that could hurt you, _us_ , in the long run.”

Bellamy looked down at Clarke and the sincerity in her eyes pulled at his heartstrings. Of course, she didn’t want to hurt him. Knowing that Clarke had started to care enough about him to feel this way brought a smile to his face. The doctors said she would need time, but at least now he knew she was truly progressing. 

“It’s fine, Clarke. I know this must all be confusing for you. I wanted to apologize, too, for my reaction. I know this is hard for you, but sometimes it’s hard for me, too.” 

Clarke nodded in understanding. They went back to doing the dishes, working in comfortable silence, when he noticed Clarke had stopped handing him dishes to dry. He turned to her and found her frowning, looking as if something was bothering her.

“Everything okay?”

Putting the knife she had in her hand down, Clarke turned to Bellamy, obvious conflict adorning her features.

“Earlier today, Raven said something,” she started. “You know what? Never mind,” she finished with a shake of her head.

“No, tell me. What did she say?”

“It’s nothing.” Clarke insisted.

Bellamy decided to let it go and asked about her mom instead.

“You talk to Abby today?” 

At the mention of her mother’s name Clarke huffed and scrubbed at the plate she was holding a bit harder. 

“I did. She insists I should stay home with them.” she said cautiously, gauging his reaction.

Bellamy paused his drying and glanced at her. 

“You think about her offer?” He swallowed, hating the way his stomach turned at the thought Clarke of leaving.

“There’s nothing to think about, I’m not leaving.” Clarke said, leaving no room for discussion. 

She went back to scrubbing then threw the brush into the sink with too much force, splashing Bellamy with water.

“I just don’t understand, what is the matter with her? I mean, I know my mom’s always been intense, but I’ve never seen someone so intent on barging into her daughter’s marriage. She shouldn’t be acting this way, especially after all that’s happened.”

Bellamy’s thoughts drifted to his last conversation with Abby. _You’re the one that caused all of this, Bellamy._

“What if she’s right on not wanting you here?”

“What?” Clarke blurted, clearly taken aback by his comment.

Bellamy dried his hands and faced her, dragging a frustrated hand down his face.

“Clarke, she blames me for the accident. She never liked me much, said I was dragging you down. Maybe she was right. That day, the morning of the accident, you and I got into a fight. You were so pissed at me you didn’t wait for me to meet you at hospital and drive us home. If I had tried to at least talk things out maybe this could’ve all been avoided. Your life is in shambles because of me.”

Clarke regarded him in silence, the color draining from her face. Bellamy looked away in shame.

“Bellamy,” came her grave whisper. “What happened was not your fault. It was an accident.” She said, voice trembling. “Don’t you ever blame yourself over what happened to me, okay?”

Bellamy swallowed past the knot in his throat, knees bending and slumping against the kitchen counter for support. He began to speak only to be interrupted by her.

“Don’t. I hate to see you beating yourself up because of this. If anything, this is my fault.”

“No.” he interjected, standing up straighter and bringing himself up to his full height.

“ _Yes_ ,” she insisted, taking a step in his direction. He towered over by a few inches. Yet right then, under her scrutiny he felt rather small. He looked away from the intensity of her eyes.

“ _I_ was the one who didn’t wait for you, Bellamy. I let my pride cloud my judgement and decided to get in that car. If you’re going to keep thinking like this, then at least let me carry my share of the burden.”

He felt rather than saw Clarke getting closer, his eyes clouded by unshed tears. Bellamy shuddered a breath when her hand touched his neck, and all but fell into her body when she tugged him closer. His arms wrapped around her waist of their own volition, and his head found its way onto the crook of her neck. 

“I’m sorry. _I’m so sorry_ ,” Bellamy choked.

Clarke tightened her hold on him and rubbed his back.

“Don’t be,” she offered huskily. “We’ll get through this, _together_.”

Bellamy sobbed even harder at her choice of words. _Together_. It had always been kinda their thing, but she didn’t know that.

After a few moments, Bellamy managed to calm down. He pulled back from Clarke, embarrassed. She had been through so much and yet, he was the one losing it.

“Sorry about that. I should be the one doing the comforting, don’t you think?” he joked, wiping his face.

Clarke chuckled and crossed her arms against her middle. Bellamy’s gaze landed on her face and he noticed she’d been crying too. He continued to watch her, and for once, Clarke didn’t cower under his scrutiny. 

The look she gave him in return was so familiar, Bellamy’s breath caught in his chest. He slowly brought his hand to her face, wiping away a stray tear. The sound of the gasp escaping from her lips shot down all the way to his groin. Clarke swayed, her body gravitating to his, and held onto his shoulders for support. Her skin flushed a lovely shade of pink and her breathing became labored. Bellamy lifted his thumb and slid it upward along the curve of her jaw. He caressed her skin, and felt her shiver under his touch. Clarke’s eyes strayed to his lips and Bellamy dipped his head. Her eyes fluttered shut in anticipation when their lips were less than an inch apart he stopped himself, aiming to kiss her forehead instead.

Clarke blinked in confusion, her parted lips drawing him in by the second. He stopped himself by leaning away from Clarke. She noticed his maneuver and seemed hurt by it.

“What’s wrong? Why did you stop?” Clarke asked, hesitant.

Bellamy looked away and rubbed at his neck while answering her question .

“Remember what you said earlier about not wanting to hurt me, us?” He started, looking at Clarke and finding her focused on him. She nodded that yes, she remembered 

“You were right. From now on, I think it’ll be best if I try to keep my hands to myself. Whatever happens between us has to be your initiative, and only when you’re one hundred percent sure you want it to happen.”

“O-okay.” Clarke stammered, forcefully pushing a stray lock of her hair behind her ear.

 _Shit._ He’d done it again, she was upset. What was he supposed to do now?

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Clarke took a nibble from her bottom lip to stop herself from saying something. He was following her wishes. This was exactly what she wanted, right? Then why did she feel so fucking disappointed over it?

 _Get it together Clarke._ She thought to herself. 

Bellamy must have seen the turmoil in her expression because he wasted no time in trying to reassure her again. She seriously needed him to stop doing that, apologizing when it wasn’t really his fault. 

“Clarke, stop it. I know that look. Don’t take it personally. This is more about me, than you. I just want to keep things clear, so we don’t get another repeat from before. I don’t think my heart could take it,” he finished sheepishly.

Again, Clarke felt like the biggest asshole for stringing him along like that.

“I’m really sorry about that.” 

Bellamy gave her a good-natured smile and insisted he was fine. 

“I’m going to go ahead and get ready for bed.”

Once he disappeared down the hallway and into the guest room, Clarke groaned and made her way into her room. She felt like absolute trash at the moment.

As she started her nightly routine, her mind was plagued by turbulent thoughts. This whole situation was getting frustrating not only for her, but for Bellamy, too. She knew her attitude was hurting whatever chance at a relationship she had with him. The hurt in his eyes after she pushed him away earlier? She’d felt sick to her stomach knowing she’d put that look in them.

There was a reason why she’d been shooting down his physical advances. She felt so out of her element with their relationship. She didn’t want to start a physical relationship with him simply because they were supposed to as husband and wife. It wouldn’t be fair for either of them. She wasn’t clueless, though. Clarke admitted there was a growing attraction towards Bellamy. He was hot, there was no denying that. Like she’d told him before, the physical chemistry was there. It would be so easy for her to say screw it and sleep with him. And yet, she couldn’t do it, because she wanted to make sure her feelings were completely sorted and in the right place before giving into her instincts fully.

Over the past couple of weeks, Clarke had learned Bellamy was a very physical person.  
She knew it was starting to get to him, not being able to touch her as freely as he did before. She saw in the way Bellamy watched her sometimes, the underlying hunger pouring from his gaze. And honestly? It was starting to get to her too because ever since the doctor had put her off her pain meds, she’d become super horny. She’d been very close to giving in several times, but as soon as he’d realized he’d been caught staring at her, he would snap out of it and the lustful look would be gone from his eyes, replaced by fondness and adoration. 

By the time Bellamy walked into the room, Clarke was already in her pajamas. Just as he had been doing every night for the past month, he helped her get ready for bed. She watched him move around the room, doing even the most minimal things to make her comfortable, and she felt the restraints she kept on her emotions loosening a little. Even after all the crap she pulled, he was still so damn thoughtful.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got you an appointment with the faculty psychologist. He’s kind of a hot commodity nowadays. I don’t know him well, but everyone says he’s a decent guy.” Bellamy said while fluffing Clarke’s pillow.

“Is he really that good?” Clarke asked distractedly.

“Apparently so,” Bellamy answered. “You know, after I told him about your case he was very eager to meet you.”

He kept talking about something else but Clarke didn’t pay much attention to what he said. She was too busy thinking over an idea that had taken shape in her mind earlier. Her conversation with Raven drifted back to her

 _It’s okay to lose control sometimes and let yourself feel these things._ Maybe in there lay her answer. Her friend was right, Clarke had been doing this wrong all along. She needed her life back and the idea forming in her head might just speed up the process.

 _Yeah, or maybe that’s just what you keep telling yourself because you’re not ready to admit there might actually be something other than physical attraction brewing between you and Bellamy._

“Why is this my life?” Clarke muttered to herself.

“You okay there?” Bellamy asked, looking concerned.

“I seriously need you to stop doing that.” Clarke groaned, covering her face with both of her hands.

“Doing what?” Bellamy furrowed his brow in confusion.

“Caring so much about me? You’re always making sure I’m okay and apologizing even if things are not your fault,” she mumbled from behind her hands.

She heard Bellamy’s low chuckle and felt him walking in her direction.

“Clarke, look at me.”

She tentatively lowered her hands from her face and saw Bellamy was in front of her, mirth dancing behind his eyes.

“I will _always_ worry about you. You’re my wife, but most importantly you’re my _friend_. And even if...” He cleared his throat before finishing his sentence. “Even if things don’t work out between us? I’ll always be there for you. You know that, right?”  
Bellamy rubbed her arm comfortingly. His sincerity stole her breath away and brought tears to her eyes, solidifying the decision she’d made. 

“I want to try something.” Clarke whispered hoarsely.

She took one step closer to Bellamy wringing her hands.

“Okay...” He drawled, completely unaware of what she was about to ask him.

Clarke took a deep breath and looked at him head on, gathering her courage.

“Sleep with me.” Clarke blurted out.

“W-what?” Bellamy asked, slack-jawed.

Clarke winced and rubbed her forehead.

“I mean, sleep here. In the room, don’t go to the guest room. I know it’s a hassle coming and going all the time for your things so you might as well just stay here. In the room, With me. Stay with me.” She finished in a whisper.

Bellamy pondered her request, his inner conflict playing behind his eyes. 

“I don’t know, Clarke-”

“Please.” She interjected. “You said whatever happened between us had to be my initiative.” Bellamy nodded. “This is me taking the first step. I want you to stay.”

She saw the tiny flicker of doubt and hesitation on his face, and she knew it was her own fault he didn’t trust her decision. Had she really screwed up their only chance?

“Okay, I will stay.” Bellamy nodded.

His simple four words unleashed an avalanche of confusing feelings that threatened to spill out of her, but she chose to put them aside to go over them later. Clarke quickly got into bed, Bellamy following suit, and turned on her side so she was facing him.

“Hi.” She breathed.

“Hey.” He grinned back. “Aren’t you worried your virtue might not survive the night?” He joked earning an eye roll from Clarke.

“I know my virtue will be fine. Yours? Not so much.” She teased, leaving Bellamy at a loss of words for the second time in one night. 

His expression caused Clarke to burst into giggles and Bellamy started cracking up, too. Mumbling about how Clarke would be the death of him. As their laughter faded into sighs, and their bodies became heavy with sleep, they never broke eye contact. 

“Good night, Bellamy.” Clarke whispered.

“G’night, princess.” He yawned, succumbing to sleep and finally closing his eyes.

It wasn’t until the next morning that Clarke found herself recalling her thoughts from that night, and wondering if her initial calculations had been wrong. She turned to Bellamy’s sleeping form, pushing one of his unruly curls out his face, a snippet of her past conversation with Octavia playing back in her head.

_I can’t love him the way he loves me, who knows if I ever will._

_I don’t think you have anything to worry about…_

The realization hits her like a ton of bricks.

_Shit. I might actually be falling in love with my husband._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes out of hiding place*
> 
> I know some people might prefer the original chapter due to the kiss and Clarke remembering something, but I feel this one is more emotionally rewarding. Now that this happened, don't you think the upcoming kiss will be even better now that all is out in the open? 
> 
> Don't worry, there are many great things to come from these two for the upcoming chapters. And the memory Clarke's supposed to remember will make an appearance very soon.
> 
> Please, please, PLEASE, let me know what you guys think of the changes that were made. No one's said anything and I'm growing anxious here -_-
> 
> Check out my tumblr @martinsparrish and twitter @Mj_Blakes

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos give me life. So please talk to me, give me feedback. I need to hear from you guys, otherwise I end up in a funk and lose enthusiasm to continue writing.


End file.
